PeaceBang

Put Your Goyishe Punim Right Here

February 17, 2005 on 2:11 pm | In Just Funny, Shout-Outs |

I read in the first volume of Elie Wiesel’s amazing autobiography, All Rivers Run to the Sea, that the world of Yiddish literature is quite a small, dysfunctional family. Apparently Isaac Bashevis Singer was not liked by his colleagues, and Elie Wiesel himself called Singer’s chief rival, Chaim Grade, “the greatest contemporary Yiddish writer,” causing a permanent rift between these two bright lights of Jewish literature.

Who knew?

Anyway, I got this from a friend today, one of those silly forwards that made me smile and wish I knew even more Yiddish, whose rhythms and humor I adore. Humor… metaphor… such wonderful literary concepts. Such a shonda (shame) when one has neither humor nor an understanding of metaphor… Oy. Oy vey, even.

The forward begins here:

The new Kosher computer by DELL-SHALOM!

1) The “Start” button has been replaced with the “Let’s go!! I’m not getting any younger!” button.
2) You hear “Hava Nagila” during startup.
3) The cursor moves from right to left.
4) When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, “Is this the best you can do?”
5) When you look at porn, the computer says, “If your mother knew you did this, she would die.”
6) It comes with a “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of all the “schmutz und drek.”
7) When running “Scan Disk” it prompts with you with a “You want I should fix this” message?
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes “Schloffen”.
9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).
11) Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC now gets “Ferklempt”
12) The multimedia player has been renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”
13) When the PC is working too hard, you will occasionally hear a loud “Oy Gevalt!”
14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.
16) When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, you are instructed to “Remove the cable from the PC’s tuchus.”
17) After my computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can’t get Spam.

I want one!!