PeaceBang

Golden Globes Semi-Live Blogging

It’s Martin Luther King Day, and what better way to honor our prophet than by a big, stupid awards show?

Well, PeaceBangers, I couldn’t let you down. I preached my heart out yesterday about Martin’s legacy, and tonight it’s all about packing for Spain (I’m just taking a little duffel and a bigger roll-on duffel). I’m taking minimal clothes and maximum electronics, including my i-Pod in case I get lonesome for home tunes. Also four small bags of cosmetics. We have the hair stuff bag, the face stuff bag, the on-plane comfort bag (with aromatherapy wands, rosewater face spray, anxiety meds, etc.), and the make-up bag. But I did manage to cut my lipstick supply down to three.

Back to the GG’s:

Terribly directed. Just awful. The camera work is not just loopy, but the ceilings look low and the interior dark, and we’re getting lots of shots of boring, unknown people. When there’s no one in the house representing for the nominated work, keep it on Johnny Depp, for the love of God!

Sandra Oh just won for “Grey’s Anatomy.” She’s deliriously happy but she can’t find her way to the stage. She looks like a rat dashing through the maze for the cheese. This is most inelegant. Poor thing. Her speech approaches the overwroughtness quotient of Halle Berry’s for “Monster’s Ball.” Sweetie, it’s an acting award from the Hollywood Foreign Press. There’s no need to feel as though you’ve been set on fire. Unless you’re in the middle of a hot flash.

I don’t know what happened, but there are worms slithering out of Tim Robbin’s hairpiece onto his forehead. He ought to see a dermatologist about that.

Mary Louise Parker looks great in a poufy 50’s shaped dress with fabulous sky-high black pumps. She was just on the verge of making me officially insane with her excessively cute, rambling, “um” filled speech for “Weeds” (Best Actress in a Comedy) when she managed to whip out three or four totally coherent phrases honoring the memory of recently deceased actor John Spencer. Good save, Ms. Parker. You can explain the comment about wanting to make out with your co-star Elizabeth Perkins some other time. Way to go beating out the entire cast of “Desperate Housewives.”

Pamela Anderson looks atrocious and sounds atrocious. She’s totally out of her element, and can barely pronounce anything. Ick. Double ick. Actually, Double D ick. I’m sure the Go Fug Yourself girls will have cruel words about her black and white frock.

Emmy Rossum and Penelope Cruz are wearing flesh-colored gowns that just confuse me. Such beautiful creations, but you can’t tell where the dress leaves off and the girl begins, which creates the unfortunate effect that they have cowl-necked skin. And shouldn’t Penelope Cruz’s English be just a little bit better by now? She sounds like the Newest Discovery off the most recent flight from Madrid, for heaven’s sake. I love the sexy Spanish accent theeng, but I can’t understand a word she’s saying.

Emma Thompson looks smashing and glowy, but just bombed with a silly bit about “Pride and Prejudice” being young. Or something.

The co-writers of “Brokeback Mountain” won something, and the woman gave a gooey, written speech. Larry McMurtry actually pushed her to the side before thanking his typewriter, which has kept him out of the “dry clutch of the computer” for thirty years. Eloquent, Larry, but don’t think we didn’t see you push your colleague. I hope she throws her drink in your face later.

What’s with the pushing? Ryan Phillippe just pushed his wife Reese Witherspoon to the stage where she’s picking up an award for playing June Carter Cash in “Walk The Line.” (Update: Joaquin Phoenix just won for playing Johnny Cash) I hope Reese throws her drink in his face later.

Gwyneth Paltrow is gorgeous. My God, she’s femininity itself dipped in starlight. I stand shamed in my red flannel jammie bottoms and t-shirt before her pregnant luminosity, even if I mostly hate her dress.

Cynthia Nixon wins “Most Improved” for a beautiful hair-do and glammy make-up.

S. Epatha Merkerer, who stole my heart last year when she lost her acceptance speech down the front of her dress, stole my heart again just now by saying that she’s 53 years old and her role in “Lackawanna Blues” is the first starring role she’s had in a movie. Then she said that she was in the middle of a big hot flash, and thanked NBC for employing her for 16 years. Cut to nominee Cynthia Nixon making snarky side-long glance to date.

Mr. Ang Lee + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious!!

The cat is in love with me. She won’t stop patting me with her paw and gazing into my eyes. She’s so happy to be rid of the dog she’s beside her little striped self. Also, her diet is working and she’s looking very svelte. We’ll definitely have her in a bikini by June.

Virginia Madsen is a dish, but I hate it when an accomplished, veteran actress (who happens to have a smashing pair of golden globes of her own) feels that she has to comport herself like a Playboy bunny while she’s on stage with an accomplished, veteran actor like Harrison Ford, just because he’s a male and looks grizzled and patriarchal in a beard. Where’s the dignity, Ginny? Why are you holding his cocktail and posing like one of those girls on “The Price is Right?”

Catherine Deneuve is very beautiful. I’m saying that because you can get arrested anywhere in the western world for saying otherwise. She is so legendarily beautiful that the very sight of her champagne tresses brings men to their knees. Except that she looks really bloated tonight and her dress is too long and the sheer puffy sleeves aren’t fooling this chunky sister, who knows exactly what those puffs are meant to do: hide upper arm flab.

Isn’t it nice that John Williams won an award for his score for “Memoirs of a Geisha?” Because I’m sure that he doesn’t have about eleventy billion others.

Ooops. It was bound to happen: Bernie Taupin just dedicated his award for Best Song to Martin Luther King, who I’m sure would have been totally DOWN with a hillbilly rip-off of “My Heart Will Go On” theme song for a gay cowboy movie.

Anthony Hopkins just gave a swell speech after having been given the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award. Gwyneth Paltrow introduced him as “the greatest actor of our generation” and people like Will Ferrell looked all reverent as they gave him a standing ovation. Listen and learn, Will.

Jumpin’ Jehosaphat! What happened to Mandy Moore’s hair!!? Looks like she was making out in the bathroom with Zach Braff and forgot to primp afterwards.

Ang Lee just won Best Director for “Brokeback Mountain,” cementing his reputation as Asian Man I’d Most Like To Date In the World Next To Chow Yun Fat. So talented, so cute, so modest.

These Lunesta commercials are making me sleepy. I’m going to climb into the sack. G’ night in PeaceBang Land.