PeaceBang
The manic mind of the minister -- Auntie Mame Meets Cotton Mather. Blogging about Unitarian Universalism, UU Christian spiritual practice, occasional cultural and political ravings, and the inner life of ministry. PeaceBang is the alter ego of a small town pastor serving an historic New England Unitarian Universalist congregation.
Speaking Out Against Abuse When You See It
June 16, 2007 on 10:05 am | In Activism, Joys and Concerns, Rants: Sexism |I am walking across Tremont Street from Dunkin Donuts (can’t rally without an iced coffee!) the other day and this big guy is totally cussing out a woman who walks alongside him looking all hangdog and scared. He’s using every vile word in the book and shouting at her. F this and F that as they’re hustling along.
Me, the dumb do-gooder and peacemaker, goes, “Hey Buddy. Whoa!” I figure if I can interrupt his invective maybe he won’t keep escalating into a more dangerous fury.
“Whoa WHAT?? Mind your own f-ing business!” he shouts at me.
“Whoa, watch your mouth and calm down!” I say, fool that I am.
“Shut the F up! It’s none of your f-ing business!” he says. And I say, “Yes it is my business! Keep your foul mouth off my streets!”
So then SHE gets in on it!! “You don’t know what’s going on! Mind your own business!”
Me: “Honey, this is what we call an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, okay? And when you bring it onto the streets, it’s definitely everybody’s business!”
Her: (starting to cry) “You don’t know what’s even happening! You have no right!”
Me: I DO know what’s happening — and let me tell you this — this man is a violent nightmare and it doesn’t matter WHAT’s going on — you never, ever deserve to be talked to like this.
Her: (screaming) SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Him: You think I give a F about that cloth around your neck? I don’t give a S—!
Me: (forgetting that I’m even wearing a clerical collar) Well, obviously!
(yelling after the woman) Get help! You’re going to need it!
So hey, that was effective, huh? Because what I managed to do was (1) enflame the violent dude even more (2) put myself in harm’s way and (3) make her feel protective of her may-an. Oh, great.
But then I remember one time eleven years ago when I was eating a sushi dinner in Rochester, NY and reading a book while eavesdropping on the (hetero) couple next to me. I couldn’t help it: they were like 7″ from my table. The man was tearing the young woman apart in the softest, most malevolent of tones, ripping to shreds her every idea and attempt to assert herself. He insulted her family in hypnotic tones, and when she feebly protested, he would lean forward and stare at her as though he was moments from plunging his chopsticks into her throat.
I was so terrified by what I saw that when I got to the theatre I called the restaurant and asked to be put through to Jennifer (I knew that was her name). They brought the phone to her.
This is what I said to her:
“Jennifer? This is the woman who was sitting next to you a few minutes ago reading. Just pretend I’m your uncle calling to let you know of a change in the party for your mom, okay? (she made frightened little sounds, but stayed on the phone) But listen to me: you are in a very abusive relationship and your boyfriend is a very dangerous person. I know you know this: I can see it in your eyes. He is trying to isolate you from your family so that he can tear you down and destroy you, and if you don’t get help, he will. I am really worried about you, and I want you to tell someone exactly how he treats you and talks to you, because I think he’s a master manipulator and no one has any idea how vicious he is to you. But I heard it and I saw it, and I really hope you get away from him. I’m going to let you go now, but I want to tell you that I really care about you.”
“Yes.” she said.
And then,
“Thank you so much, Uncle Barry.”
Me: “Be strong.”
Her: “Okay. (quavering voice) Love you, Uncle Barry.”
I think of her even today.
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For the last year or so I’ve been trying to come up with ways to change strangers’ behavior without confronting them directly. It’s not a full-time job, just something I think about.
One of my successes was last summer at an outdoor concert in Keene. My wife and I were sitting at a picnic table watching the band when a gaggle of teen girls decided to stand in front of us. They weren’t watching the band, they were just waiting to get into a restaurant and decided to wait in front of us. They didn’t appear to see us at all.
My wife was getting annoyed and was about to say something to them; I had no confidence they’d pay attention. So I stood up and watched the band just inside their radius-of-group. I still don’t think they registered me consciously, but they shifted away a little. In a few minutes I managed to herd them out of our line-of-sight. Then I sat down again.
So anyway, I don’t think I’d get in the way of the violent guy. But I might ask if either of them knew what time it was, or if they’d seen the pen I think I dropped near here. It would disrupt the pattern and make them conscious of the people nearby.
Comment by Doug Muder — June 16, 2007 #
I agree, it is hard to know when to intervene. This is something I always want to do, have done slightly here and there, but never know how to handle. I guess if I had to come down on it one way or another, I would say that as long as you don’t think anyone is going to get physically hurt (yourself, the other person) by the intervention, it might be a good idea because many folks really aren’t aware that what they are doing (or having done to them) is abusive or even that problematic… because no one has ever told them. If you grow up in a home like that, or everyone around you acts like that (the thing that often gets me is screaming at small children who surely can’t even understand what is going on) then it seems normal to act like that. Even if everyone is upset at the time, and doesn’t take it that well, it could be that it plants an important seed of “Maybe this isn’t right.” Maybe not, but probably it can’t hurt too much.
Comment by Elizabeth — June 16, 2007 #
It’s just too bad that a protective response toward anyone who is being abused isn’t the normative one in our society. You are right that you probably pissed him off, but ultimately he’s responsible for his behavior and its’ consequences.
And that second story, what a great way to do it! I heard of someone getting on the loudspeaker in a grocery story and saying, “excuse me, but will the man in aisle 6 please stop yelling at the women he is with? Your behavior is abusive and is distrubing our patrons. If you need help, maam, the phone number for the domestic violence hotline is . . . .)
Once before I was married my boyfriend and I were at a blockbuster and when we went to the car there was this man beating on a woman. (back in the days before cell phones) we ran back in and called the police. This was the deep south, before automatic prosecution, and two white police officers were scarier to this african american woman than her abusive guy.
I volunteer for the local rape crisis/domestic violence center, and we have little business cards and nail files with the 24 hour hotline. I carry them everywhere just in case I need to slip them to a woman (or a man, but that doesn’t come up as much in public anyway).
Comment by Madgebaby — June 16, 2007 #
What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing. I think, however, that as a female minister you’d probably have much better luck at these types of interventions than I would. As a small-framed gay male I would have probably gotten hit by the boyfriend.
Comment by David — June 16, 2007 #
Wow. Great thinking in Rochester!!
(I know that Sushi diner. I could have been there myself 11 years ago!). It’s such a struggle in these situations because without some kind of support, the woman can be further abused because of the intervention (as if she caused it). Of course, you know this.
I know we need to stand up when we see abuse, but knowing how to do so without causing unintended harm is so tricky. Thanks for the great example of the phone call.
Comment by LJ — June 16, 2007 #
I love that you did this.
Another question might be who the interventions, particularly the first one, was for - you or her? Did you feel like you couldn’t live with yourself if you didn’t say something? Or did you feel like you could stop him? From your comments, it seemed like the latter, but that’s always a helpful question to ask.
As a silly, fearless woman who intervenes in ways that frighten the people I’m with (like friends) ALL THE TIME, I’m sure I would’ve done the same thing, even if I thought it might cause me harm. The key, for me (and I don’t know that I’m right, it’s just how I think) is that people who are being abused need to know that there actually ARE people who will stand up for them. And even if they can’t acknowledge it publicly, or even if they don’t see the truth at that moment, you will have planted a seed. For me, if I do nothing, I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with myself. One thing I always try to do, though, is not to appear condescending or haughty. I also will never match tone - just appear calm and loving, even to the abuser. It’s hard to do, but I try.
So I guess the only place I differ with others who’ve commented is that I don’t hold the “don’t put myself in harm’s way” standard - I wouldn’t want to put someone else in harm’s way, but if I get a punch in the eye, I’ll (probably) live.
Not saying that’s good advice, just know that you have sisters in “irrational” behavior.
Comment by Kaji — June 17, 2007 #
I’m over 6′3, weigh 230, and I just “glare” at individuals who behave like this in public. This was perfected after years of teaching…a silent glare can be much more effective than raising the voice, at least in my case. I find that frequently, the abuser tends to shut up quickly.
Of course, I have no idea what happens when they are out of earshot. And the irony is, I am generally a pretty a pretty non-confrontational person. For me, telling an individual to stop his or her abusive behavior would be beyond my usual mode of proceding. Good for you for having the courage!
Comment by tom — June 17, 2007 #
Even if the woman on the street did rush to the defense of “her man,” your words may still have had an effect. After all, she was with the guy, so confronting him directly wasn’t going to be her first instinct.
Keep up the good work.
Comment by Will — June 18, 2007 #
Thank you for intervening in both of these cases and sharing with us. The phone call - great thinking!
Comment by Ansku — June 18, 2007 #
It is so hard in these situations. Sometimes if you interve in front of the abuser it sets up the victim for more abuse.
I think it is good to call it to her attention that she should not be treated this way.
Comment by Kim — June 22, 2007 #
It’s true that you may have set that woman up for additional abuse, when the angry-man-made-even-angrier-now-by-your-intervention got home. But the simple fact is, that lady is going to go on getting abused by him as long as they remain together. So if you added a little more heat to the fire, it was already blazing and was gonna burn on anyway until one of them died. Perhaps, though, you also managed to point out an emergency fire exit door to her. That’s all anyone can ask of you and more than most folks seem to expect.
Comment by Jeff W. — June 24, 2007 #