PeaceBang

Miss Maya Pavlova

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Maya Pavlova to our circle of cat friends. Devoted PeaceBanger Caroline Divine has just adopted her and we here in Massachusetts would like to extend our blessings and admiration of the VERY BEAUOOTIFUL PAWSNESS.

In fact, Ermengarde would like to extend the White Paw of Fellowship:

Make Your Heaven!

I’ve been doing billions of reading for the upcoming year in worship and have particularly enjoyed both Krista Tippett’s Speaking of Faith (I’m a big fan of her radio show of the same name) and a big anthology by Bob Abernethy and William Bole (of PBS’s Religion & Ethics NewsWeekly) called The Life of Meaning: Reflections on Faith, Doubt and Reparing the World.

I think it was in the latter book where I came across the idea by some scientist-guy that near-death experiences are a neurological event and therefore it may follow that our experience of heaven is also a kind of brain-oriented phenomenon. He was suggesting that what you believe about heaven will BE your heaven.

Before you traditional religious folks drag me out to the parking lot to beat me up, let me just say that I’m not saying I AGREE with this concept — I am a firm believer that if God wanted us to know what happens after we die we’d be equipped to know that — but I’m saying that someone HAS this concept and I find it rather interesting.

I mean, part of what I get from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying is that the great goal of meditation is to free yourself from mara (illusion) so that you don’t have to go into the Bardo state of confused consciousness when your soul leaves your body. Buddhist people, please don’t drag me out into the parking lot and beat me up if I got this wrong– I am not an expert on the TBOLAD, I’m just a FAN of it and have read it a lot and try to understand it because I think those Tibetans are ONTO something.

I’m not saying that Jesus doesn’t try to prepare us for death by teaching us to be brave, pure and loving with our lives, but he doesn’t give us any mental exercises for transitioning to the afterlife the way the Buddhists teach.

ANYWAY, if it’s true that you can somehow shape and mold your consciousness in preparation for the transition from body to spirit, and that your concept of the afterlife may be your most important chance of experiencing that afterlife, boy, it’s worth working on, huh?

I think mine would be full of kick-lines and great overtures, and choirs of angels singing old-timey gospel and lots of people I love standing around laughing and talking and other angels passing around really yummy appetizers. After that we all go swim in a waterfall and play with hundreds of golden retriever puppies and when we get done with that we lie on the pristine beach to dry off in the warm sun. Jesus is on the beach giving teachings and you get to finally really understand everything about them, and you cry and cry over how badly you did at following them while you were alive. There are angels there to pat your back and give you tissues while you cry. After awhile Jesus comes up to you and says, “Honey, you don’t have to cry about that ever again.” And that’s when you know it’s really Heaven.

Then you have hot chocolate and tuck the children in and then go to sleep yourself curled up next to a big warm mommy lion. The next morning first thing you have choir practice, and you pass Ralph Waldo Emerson and Gene Kelly and your great-grandma Sophie and your father on the way to breakfast. Whenever you want you can go to the chimp part of heaven and swing around with them.

I’ll be working on this in case it turns out to be true.

“No End In Sight:” A PeaceBang Review

This fine documentary by Charles Ferguson is more than a bit of a downer, but you should all go see it as fast as you can.

This isn’t a Michael Moore-ish production with lots of manipulative editing and sexy music — it’s mostly talking heads and footage from Iraq asking the question of how the U.S.’s mistakes led to the now out-of-control insurgency.

There is much to appreciate in this movie: its calm, chronological manner of presenting information from Bush administration insiders, its judicious usage of extremely upsetting footage, its intelligence and conscience. I think what I most appreciated, however, was that it showed the military in a very sympathetic light and put to rest once and for all that supporting the Bush administration is somehow “supporting the troops.”

Please see this film. Bring your friends. You will want to talk about it afterwards.

I really, really hope you’ll see this film, in case I didn’t make that clear enough.

More Technological Doohickeydom

While it’s an admirable goal to “simplify, simplify, simplify,” it’s an unpleasant truth that sometimes technology can help us simplify.

Case in point: as a minister and generally busy single gal, I spend a lot of time in the car going to people’s homes, hospitals or nursing homes, and various Boston destinations. And I therefore spend a lot of time getting lost.

You must understand that while I have a generally good sense of direction and am adept at reading a map, I am the daughter of a woman who regularly gets lost on the way to and from the grocery store, so my bad driving is genetic.

Friends of mine have all had the experience of playing air traffic controller with me and talking me through the streets and highways of Washington/Philadelphia/Medford/Boston/Connecticut/Pennsylvania in response to my panicked calls. Thank God for cell phones with headsets. (Rebecca Carle, I’m looking at you. Don’t think I haven’t forgotten how many times you patiently directed me through the streets of Baltimore over the phone every bloody time we made social plans in the city!)

A few weeks ago I showed up to a church service to find that the congregation had relocated to a neighborhood with which I had no acquaintance. I was to meet a friend there, and I saw her pull up to the church, read the sign, and squeal away in her silver Mini Cooper like something out of “Knight Rider.” How did she know where she was going? Friends, she had a GPS system! She — new in town — led ME to the church just in time for the opening hymn. It dawned on me that this GPS thing might be worth looking into. But I was yet to be converted.

A few weeks later, I went on a road trip to visit MotherBang with my friends Michael and Paul who have a GPS system in their car.
The trip to MotherBang’s is a bit confusing, as it requires a southerly drive and then trips on three ferries over bodies of water (like going to Middle Earth, my friends quipped). NOT ONLY did the GPS system get us smoothly to and from Mom’s, it TOLD US WHERE THE NEAREST DUNKIN DONUTS WAS when we craved iced coffees.

Revelation! Allelujah, brothers and sisters! I saw the light!

Do you mean that after all these years of relying on Yahoo maps and Mapquest to give me consistently TERRIBLE, MISLEADING directions…after all these years of pulling illegal U-turns and screeching around peering through trees to try to find street signs that AREN’T THERE… after all these years of creeping along on an empty tank wondering where for the love of God I can find a gas station… after all these years of trying to navigate through Boston’s Big Dig, clutching the steering wheel with white knuckles while my stomach churns… I can be SAVED from this stress?

You bet I can. Ladies and gentlemen, I am now the proud and excited owner of a Garmin Streetfinder GPS system. And you know what? Although it is yet another piece of very expensive plastic and locates me even more firmly in the category of Americans With Too Many Gadgets, I think it will be a tremendous blessing.

Orange Notebook: Found!

For you lovely people who cared about the loss of my orange notebook, I would like to report that I FOUND IT! It was hiding under the lining of my beach bag!

Thank you for caring. As it turned out, the 20 sermon outlines I had completed were a lot less thrilling than I had remembered. But that is O-KAY because at least they’re there, along with thousands of notes on church services I’ve attended, and other various squiggles.

For awhile there I was feeling as bereft as Harriet the Spy!

Women Ministers: Issues in Leading Worship

I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the different preaching and presiding styles of the ministers and laypeople I’ve shared worship with these past two summers (during which I’ve averaged 1.5 worship services per Sunday, thankyouverymuch!). I’ve been looking over my notes and conclude that women presiders still have some special issues of vocal and physical inflection that seem not to plague men nearly as often.

I’d like to speak to some of them right now in my typically unvarnished way that comes from love and the instinct of a stage mother. I want women ministers to be just as impressive in the pulpit as our male colleagues, but I think we need work in a few main areas.

Vocal Inflections That Undermine Our Message

1. “Babydoll” Voice

When I meet women preachers “off stage,” I am often amazed at how much more grounded, in-charge, warm and confident they sound than they do while presiding. In the pulpit, I am hearing a lot of “baby doll” voices — a strained, nasal tone that comes from tight vocal chords and over-feminization of inflection (lisping is pronounced here, too). The difference is subtle to the ear but the result is infantilizing to both preacher and congregation sharing worship. For women preahcers speaking in Babydoll mode, I get the strong impression that she is presenting as “beloved daughter” rather than leader, and seems unconsciously to be seeking approval for her message.

Women preachers have to be careful because our pitch tends to rise when we get nervous. When we lose our diaphragmatic breathing, we produce a far more nasal sound and can even begin to whine. These are all challenges that can be overcome with vocal coaching.

I should mention here that the preacher who suffers from “babydoll voice” often compounds the problem by the use of physical tics such as flipping hair, flouncing shoulders, relying on the use of an inappropriately flirtatious smile or fluttering eyelashes. I am left with the impression that this is a woman who is not confident of her message and therefore needs to curry favor with the congregation by being adorable.

It might be useful for women clergy with these habits to practice preaching for a coach or friends with total lack of facial expression, using only her voice to communicate the strength and power of her message. Bad habits are hard to break and can require a lot of courage. We need to support each other in this work.

2. “Schoolmarm Voice”

As preachers, we are indeed teachers, but I am concerned that too many women ministers (and religious educators) take that role to heart in the way they present sermons and stories. We must guard against sing-songy cadences that insult the intelligence of our listeners and distract from the impact of our message. The schoolmarm cadence often comes with an attendant straining of the neck, tilting of the head, pursing of the lips and excessive blinking. These are all very ordinary tics and can be avoided by viewing ourselves on video and working to calm the nerves, connect with our congregation, and focus on the MEANING of what we are saying.

In fact, the biggest problem I am seeing with both female and male pastors is a sense of total disconnection between body, voice and message. Words are coming out, but no one’s home! The most emotionally and spiritually powerful worship services I have attended in the past years always happen when the liturgists embody their message from an authentic and present place. This isn’t necessarily a natural skill; some of us really have to work on it, and we should!

Preachers, readers, prayers: slow down! What are you SAYING!!? Do you BELIEVE IT? How is your life being changed by the message you’re sharing? These are NOT JUST WORDS.

When we get into schoolmarm mode, we also have a tendency to over-explain and over-instruct every aspect of the liturgy. Sometimes a hand gesture is worth a thousand confusing words.

3. “I Don’t Deserve To Be Up Here” Voice

This has been more of an issue with lay participants in than with ordained religious leaders in worship services I have attended, but I have seen it far too often in past years. Preachers, please WORK WITH YOUR LAY LITURGISTS and teach them how to project, how to use the microphone effectively, and how to CLAIM the pulpit or podium!!

I can’t count how many times I have been deprived of prayer or the reading of the gospel by lay or ordained readers who are apparently so unconfident, so out-of-breath or so casual as to mumble or murmur their way through their parts. This is a travesty of inclusion: if I have perfectly fine hearing and am still straining to hear, what kind of experience are our elders or hearing-impaired guests having?

For God’s sake… speak up! Pastors, it is commendable to share the pulpit with the laity but it is not commendable to leave them to fend for themselves up there. We all need training and orientation in order to meet the obligations of leading worship. Don’t fail to meet this responsibility due to some misguided sense of the priesthood of all believers. We’re not all natural talents; in fact, very few of us are.

Other Issues

4. Liturgy of the Living Dead

I’ve seen men suffer from this, but more so women. This is the strange and sad phenomenon of the woman preacher who is so unanimated and colorless as to seem vaguely shocked by the fact that she’s in front of a congregation at all. She seems to be sleepwalking through the liturgy completely disconnected from the proceedings. I consider this a subset of the “I Don’t Deserve To Be Up Here” issue.

Not every minister has to be a charismatic extrovert. I am often tremendously relieved when I meet ministers who have a zombie-like presiding style and find that they’re lovely, warm pastors who seem eminently comfortable with themselves and their roles as religious leaders. I think the issue of passive, expressionless and somnabulistic worship style is a matter of training and awareness: somewhere along the line, they never got fair feedback. They should. They very likely have no idea how they are coming across, and complaining behind their back is neither helpful to them or healthy for the Church. Speak up, dearly beloved. Coaching and training can help.

5. “Aunt Clara In the Pulpit”

This is the messy, scattershot female minister (I’ve seen guys do it, too) who hasn’t got the liturgical flow down and relies on an endearing, apologetic style to get her through Sunday morning. She skips elements of the liturgy by accident, her ponytail is falling down, and she looks like a nervous wreck during the Offering. She retreats way in the back of the chancel during hymn singing hoping that no one will notice that she hasn’t the vaguest sense of the tunes, and she muffs the benediction and laughs. She’s a sympathetic, real character… but way too real. To this gal we say: Hey lady, this is less cute than you think. Every time you charmingly mess up, you distract the congregation, shifting the focus from God to yourself. There’s no shame in rehearsing the whole thing a few times on Saturday night.

And to all of you: please don’t EVER, EVER apologize for what you do during worship. NEVER apologize for your sermon in advance. NEVER reveal that you feel less than stellar about the way that christening just went. NEVER put yourself down in the pulpit. It is distracting, ego-centric and wildly inappropriate. Don’t apologize: work harder. There is no excuse for us not knowing what we’re doing up there. Our mistakes should be minimal and when they do happen, they should pass by uncommented upon. This is not about us.

6. “Another Sermon About Shoe Shopping”

This is my joke code name for sermons or homilies by female pastors that head right into Oprah territory and never leave. While I am a strong believer in lifting up the sacred nature of woman’s work and women’s lives, I think we have to be careful to include a wider variety of examples and illustrations in our sermons than we are wont to do. I’m sorry, but I have NEVER heard a male pastor preach on dieting, while I’ve heard women do so three times in the past two years. Is this really the deepest we can go? I think we unconsciously reinforce sexism when we preach light-weight homilies that reinscribe traditional gender roles and make it seem as though all of our deepest concerns come connected to our ovaries. Gals, you’ll yell at me for saying it, but I think we really need to work on this.

7. Terminal Niceness: Walking On Eggshells With the Scriptures

It always depresses me when lay or ordained leaders give the Scripture readings with the same intonation they’d use reading a Hallmark card. People, we’re talking about the living God here! The Psalms should not sound like a recipe for brownies! Selections from Jeremiah or Romans should not leave me nodding into my bulletin!! Please — and women, we’re worse offenders than men in this wise — bring some passion and INTENTION to the Bible stories!! Paraphrase if you have to, bring it alive, TELL it! GIVE it! If people are placidly fanning themselves during the telling of the story of the Gerasene demoniac, there’s definitely something wrong. If you’re recounting the story of Job and you don’t see any change of expression out in the congregation, you’ve not doing your job.

I’m not saying to over-do it and ham it up, but monotonal, barely audible, rushed or sing-songy renditions that make it impossible to connect to the story are a serious liturgical failure. If we wonder why people aren’t interested in the Bible anymore, it may be because we’re doing such a crummy job of sharing it in worship.

I attended a church service three summers ago where a lay leader rushed up to the lectern to give the Old Testament reading, chortling and chatting as she set up the light and turned the pages of the Bible. It seems that she had almost forgotten that it was her turn to give the lesson and she had just returned from vacation the night before, and if she hadn’t had a call from Priscilla on the Worship Committee she just didn’t know that she would have even come to church at all…and oh! here’s the reading!

She then sped through some harrowing section from the Book of Daniel in the most off-hand possible tone, tilting her head and barely pausing at the ends of phrases as though she was entirely embarrassed and couldn’t wait to be done with the thing. She then gave a little giggle and shrugged and cringed her way back to her pew.

Someone was responsible for that little performance, and it was you and me, pastors.

Men have their own particular ways of obscuring their messages and messing up liturgy (ridiculously bombastic tones, cutesy twinkly-grandfather routines, distractingly folksy “I shore hope ya’ll like me” cadences, stiff, emotionless delivery, condescending or controlling messages — to name a few), but I’m talking to my reverend gal pals here.

Before you start romping on me in the comments like those gorillas romp on the suitcases in the old Samsonite commercials, just remember that I am speaking from my own personal experience in Christian and Unitarian Universalist congregations in five states and two countries.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about and every woman minister you’ve ever known has had tremendous gravitas and wonderful presence in the pulpit, I’m thrilled to hear it.

As far as my own sins and failings as a worship leader, I promise I got plenty of ‘em. I take my own development as a liturgist and preacher seriously, I attend continuing education and listen to myself on podcast, taking critical notes all the while. I groan with horror watching myself on video, and keep working to get better. I rehearse every ritual at which I preside — getting up and walking it through in the church or in my home. I try like the dickens to prepare every speaker and participant in our worship services, trying to strike an acceptable balance between my high expectations and respect for the time and talents of volunteers. I ain’t writing this as an expert (or even as a professor of worship, which I am) — just a woman who loves the Church and believes we would all benefit from deeper awareness of what we are bringing to the worshiping community.

He Lived The American Dream, Except Without the Integrity Part

I threw up a little in my mouth when Bush said that it was a shame that Gonzalez’s name has been “dragged through the mud for political purposes.”
Right. Because crapping all over the Constitution isn’t a valid reason to lambaste a public leader. Must just be unfounded orneriness.

My blood pressure goes up when I read too much about this, but it’s certainly good news.

God bless America, indeed.

Dating Etiquette for Single Pastors

A dear reader inquires,

Dear PeaceBang, a colleague told me of your sites this summer and I’ve been thoroughly enjoying reading you. I agree with you about the bias towards families in most churches. This may be too personal for you to address (or let me know if you’ve addressed it in past postings), but I have a question. I spent the first twenty years of ministry as a married woman and just ended a three-year dating relationship. I’m now divorced and unattached, with grown children. What’s your approach to dating etiquette? Thanks so much!

Dear Single Lady Pastor,

Welcome to my world, and the world of thousands of other men and women who are trying to serve God, church and family while still holding out hope for romance! Or not! It depends! Some of us have given up on romance and are just seeking companionship, or maybe just someone to go see “Hairspray” with. But I digress!

Dating etiquette for the Single Pastor. I can’t believe I’ve never written on this before. Pass the relish! Although I’m tempted to write a tome on the subject, my dear, I’ll spare you and my other readers and try to keep my personal take on the subject reasonably short and in the form of a handy-dandy list.

1. No Making Googly-Eyes At Church

There was once a time when a single pastor would be introduced to every eligible gal in the parish with the thought that she’d be lucky enough to “land” his hand in marriage. Those days are long over— like, say, 100 years over. In my denomination, pastors are advised to keep their amorous eyes way out of the congregation and their mitts off their parishioners. I couldn’t agree more. People come to church seeking spiritual community, not to be romantically pursued by the minister of that community. I don’t need to tell you how much damage that kind of behavior can do: I’m sure you’ve read Marie Fortune and been as thoroughly trained in this mentality as I was. I won’t say much more about it except to say that IF a member of your congregation sends strong “I’m interested” signals and you’re interested in him/her, you should assume that one of you should leave the congregation if there is to be a dating relationship.

I don’t think this point is negotiable in the least. If you serve in a multi-staff situation in a tradition that considers it okay for pastors to date within the flock, I still don’t think it’s a good idea. Does anyone want hundreds of pairs of eyes on their relationship? What if the whole thing goes sour? Bad, bad news all ’round.

All those “romantic” stories (like the one in the novel Gilead) where the woman comes to a church and is immediately spotted by the pastor as the love of their life and they get married are mostly fantasies perpetuated by men who have been free for hundreds of years to objectify women (we’re not even GOING into other kinds of sexual abuse scenarios here, okay everyone?) who showed up at their churches.
Again, those days are over. If a fabulous, dateable dude shows up at your church and you want to date him and vice versa, have the conversation about his (or your) leaving the church pronto.

2. Yente the Matchmaker Does Not Attend Your/My Church

Our churches are not dating services for us. Therefore, there should be no encouragement of introductions to eligible single family members or friends to the single minister. We must keep our dating foibles private. When folks who know of the demise of your relationship get all fluttery about combing their address books for eligible men for you, reassure them that that’s not their role. It really isn’t, but some folks will think it is.

HOWEVER, if church folk make it discreetly possible for you to meet someone eligible, great! They don’t have to tell you in advance that their single nephew will be coming to dinner the night you’re invited. They don’t have to tell you that they gave their single co-worker a tip that their wonderful single pastor would be at the holiday party, and he should meet her.

I live in a parsonage and have a neighbor parishioner who is a big, jovial uncle type with whom I am very close. He likes to tease me whenever there’s a car in the driveway overnight, and I jokingly admonish him to keep his nosey parker self out of my business and we laugh. But once after we had had this exchange and had done wiping our eyes, he said in all seriousness, “But I do hope you’re dating someone. We all want you to be happy.”
I was quite speechless and almost brought to tears (of course, the car in the driveway almost always belongs to visiting friends or family).

The fact is, it benefits the entire congregation when a minister is happy and well-matched. My predecessor in this congregation has an amazing wife who was every bit a partner in his long pastorate and much beloved by everyone. I would dearly love to have a husband who could provide that same kind of presence and support me in the same ways.

So, hey. If our people want to help us find a great hubby or wife, more power to them. But they should not be setting up dates for us, providing us with phone numbers or telling us when we show up at new pastorates that we just “have to meet” their daughters. Discretion is paramount. Single pastors are not deficient beings who need to be “fixed;” they are not a problem to be solved, as I have seen in the more conservative denominations.

3. No “Tales Of Dating” In Sermons Or Anywhere Else

Pastors shouldn’t share much information about their love life with the congregation in the pulpit or anywhere else.

It’s fine to refer to “someone I’m seeing” in conversation and to drop hints that you’re dating someone special (it helps sensitize folks to your need for private time away from church) –and my staff always knows the basic ups and downs of my dating life (they hear when I meet someone terrific, and then they hear that there’s been a break-up) –but I don’t think that congregants should hear very much about or meet boyfriends or girlfriends until the relationship has become very serious. Some men I’ve dated have wanted to come to church to check me out in action on Sunday morning. Two words: NO. WAY. Not unless it’s something like Christmas Eve and the place is packed full of newcomers and they can slip in unnoticed.

4. You’re Not Meeting Your Future Husband At Home In Front of the T.V.

Make time to nurture your social life.

Single life, as I’ve written, is particularly hard in one key way — the time and effort it takes to coordinate get-togethers with friends outside the church. Single parents in ministry can very easily get into a rut where their entire circle of relationships is church or children. Meeting someone for a dating relationship can’t happen if we don’t get out there and interact with other adults. This isn’t to say that you should be hitting the bars or any such thing, but it does mean that you should make time to do things that interest you: see live music, go to parties, explore museums or sporting events or go hiking or join the local political organizations and make it a point to go where dateable men (or women) are.

5. On-Line Dating For the Reverend Crowd

Ministers are ordinary folk with ordinary needs, and single ministers who don’t want to be single forever may choose to set up on-line dating profiles. This is NO ONE’S BUSINESS BUT YOUR OWN. There is nothing illegal or immoral about putting a profile on Match.com or EHarmony or wherever, and it’s NOT YOUR PROBLEM if someone from your church or religious community sees it up there. You obviously don’t want to post photos of yourself in super-sexy outfits or say sleazy things or in any way compromise yourself, but there’s no shame in trying to meet single people. Design your profile knowing that it may be seen by those who know you in ministry and hold your head high. Girl, you ain’t got nothing to be ashamed of.

If someone should happen to come upon your profile and comment on it, you can just say, “Oh, dating is so hard nowadays. I’m not sure how I feel about all that online stuff, but it’s really challenging finding appropriate men to date.” My mother and two of my best friends in ministry met their spouses through the personal ads and online dating. If it could happen for them, it might happen for me.

True story: a married Unitarian Universalist I saw at a denominational conference sneeringly mentioned to me in conversation that he thought my Nerve.com personal ad was “cute.” It was obvious that he really thought he had something on me. I responded, “And what were YOU doing on the Nerve.com personals?” He dropped away from of his congregation almost immediately after that. His minister has no idea why, but I have a good inkling.

6. Don’t/Do Tell Your Dates That You’re a Minister

This is a tough call. When I tell my dates/potential dates that I’m a minister, it changes everything about our interaction. Either they freak out and assume I’m a prudish Jesus-freak or they bend over backwards assuring me that “that’s cool” (causing me to defensively think, “Thanks, pal, but I actually don’t need your approval”). Some guys get an icky thrill out of it, like, “Oooh, I’m having drinks with the preacher lady.” Oooh, how fast can I pay my bill and get away from those creeps?
For me, the best response is “Oh really? My best friend/brother/college roommate is a minister/married a minister. What church are you with?”

Then we can proceed with the date in a normal fashion as though I’m just a normal gal, which I am, and there’s often a second date after that.

7. “Separated” Is Not Single

Need I say more? We are ministers, in the business of officiating at and solemnizing marriages. I regret the times that I have dated men who were separated and not yet divorced; I have come to the conclusion that to do so lacked integrity and made me a hypocrite in terms of my religious commitment to the sanctity of the marriage covenant. In this day and age when legal divorce can take a long time and many adults choose to enter into adulterous relationships and think nothing of flirting and giving the impression that they are truly unattached when they are quite attached, we have to draw careful boundaries for ourselves. One boundary that I have drawn is that I don’t date men before they’re officially divorced, and I stay away from men who claim to be in “open marriages.” Marriage for me is partially defined by monogamy. If someone else wants to define it another way, they’re free to do so. But I don’t have to date them, and I won’t.

So, Sister Minister, I hope this list is helpful to you and answers some of the questions you may have about dating. I wish you all the best in your adventures and remember: keep your friends close by in this and all things. They are the ones who know and love you and will help you return to equilibrium after the vicissitudes of the dating scene do a number on your heart and soul.

(My, this could become a book, couldn’t it?)

No, Really, I’m Okay

Just because I seem to have TOTALLY LOST an orange notebook that I carried around with me all summer and wrote outlines for TWENTY SERMONS in doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything drastic.

Because I’m going to find… it…
*sob*
I’m going to find! it!
*sob*

Even though I’ve looked everywhere for three days and called all my family members to see whether I left it with them and everything doesn’t mean I should lose hope!

But even if it is totally lost forever and ever, I will be okay with that. I will accept that.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the –
(sound of PeaceBang stabbing herself in the eye with a pen).

The Celebrity Drug

Does anyone else out there have a secret, shameful interest in celebrity gossip? I mean, bad enough to purchase “In Touch” now and then, and to read celeb gossip blogs?

I’m raising my hand over here, people.

I know it’s a horrible sin but I figure in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a bad idea to balance out all my other commitments with some fluff. Please don’t write to me and say, “But PeaceBang, it isn’t really just fluff — it’s part of the corporate big media imperialist machine!” I know; I’ve thought about that. And I still figure it’s a better outlet for this small-town pastor than the usual ones like drinking too much or having inappropriate relationships.

My favorite celebrity blog is The Superficial. It makes me laugh. Here, now you can indulge in my little secret.