PeaceBang
The manic mind of the minister -- Auntie Mame Meets Cotton Mather. Blogging about Unitarian Universalism, UU Christian spiritual practice, occasional cultural and political ravings, and the inner life of ministry. PeaceBang is the alter ego of a small town pastor serving an historic New England Unitarian Universalist congregation.
Ministering to Single Folk: Some Questions You Can Ask Yourselves
August 20, 2007 on 10:52 am | In Joys and Concerns, Liturgy, Theological Reflection |One thing I have noticed this summer is how drawn I am to churches that don’t emphasize marriage and family life with children as the primary means by which we experience love and relationship.
After all, I don’t have a husband or children. I live alone. I have been single for most of my adult life. My observation is that the Protestant church in America (not to mention the Jewish community!) has a total Noah’s Ark attitude toward life: everyone’s on the ark two by two. Weddings and baptism are central to the life of the church. What other kinds of rituals do we have that allow an adult to feel sacramentally included in the sacred story of God’s love in the world? The Bible lifts up the importance of caring for the widows. What about the elders who have never been married? Do they also deserve our solicitious care, or is it to be assumed that the old broads (and I intend to be one someday) and gents can just take care of themselves since they’ve been doing just that for decades?
How many single churchfolk out there have heard this one? “Well, you don’t have a family, so you have more time for all of this.” I’m a single person with a sister, brother, sister-in-law, mother, stepdad, cousins, aunts, uncles and nephews — many with whom I am extraordinarily close and whose physical distance from me is a source of genuine pain in my life. We must stop thinking of singles as people with no family and start thinking of them as people who have to make a special effort to achieve connection with other humans — even something so simple as sharing a meal with friends takes scheduling effort, planning and driving. Singles are so often the ones who make the effort to reach out. How many people reach out to singles?
Single people don’t get any more hours in their day than do married people with families. Churches must stop discriminating against them and expecting more from them. When I visit churches I see long lists of pastoral outreach that take into account a wonderful variety of human need: meals for the sick and bereaved, meals and visits to new parents. Callers for the elderly and shut-in, support groups for the divorced, addiction recovery ministries. I’d love to see something like Single Support. It would be totally cool if singles could count on their church to be a place where they might find an open invitation to dinner — or Friday night movie night (we’re always happy to cook and contribute since most of us have experienced the feeling that we’re being invited out of pity). I love the “open door” philosophy that some folks have — “just stop by!” I love that. I strive to emulate it. The church Singles Support group could be a place to coordinate rides to and from the airport, to and from the car mechanic (only singles understand what a pain in the butt it is to get your car worked on because you have no spouse to drive you to and from the garage, necessitating doing business with a sub-par operation close-by).
I am lucky enough to have fantastic neighbors who I know are absolutely there for me. They do things like call on a snowy night to say “hey, we’re at the grocery store… do you need anything?” I can’t tell you how much this means to me. Single people often feel that it’s inappropriate to ask for help. We don’t want to be a burden on anyone. We don’t want to be pitied, and we don’t want to be seen as (eek) too needy. The church universal needs to do a better job of affirming the mutual interdependence between all people. The church in America needs to do a better job remembering that our culture is obsessively couples-oriented and to lift up the message that we must reach beyond the comforts our our own families and include others in our intimate circle of concern. Must I remind the Church that Jesus was not a family man?
At one church I attend fairly frequently, the offering is brought up to the altar with great fanfare and the singing of “Amen” by a parade of tiny children and their proud parents. The children bang tambourines and wave ribbon banners. Part of me knows that these cute babies symbolize the future of the church, that they are developing positive associations with church in this moment, and that the children of the church are all our children. Another part of me gets a strong message that stewardship in this congregation is connected with procreativity. I love seeing the little boos, but I also feel that I am most explicitly not included in this moment. If I was a woman who ever had a dream of motherhood, I think it would hurt. Sometimes it hurts anyway. And — and this is small but I’m going to be honest — this hurt affects my giving. When so much about any church broadcasts, “THIS CHURCH IS FOR FAMILIES, AND BY ‘FAMILY’ WE MEAN KINSHIP TIES BETWEEN PEOPLE WHO LIVE TOGETHER IN A HAPPY HOME, PROBABLY ALSO WITH A DOG,” I just don’t feel that my gifts are as welcome or needed as other places. And I give more generously in those other places.
I know many single people who won’t step foot in a church because the last time they tried, they were treated as a problem rather than as a beloved guest. Single men venturing into the church are often descended upon by Yente types who assume they want to be set up. Single women can be seen as a threat by married women. Churches are mostly geared to welcome families with children. Do an audit of your own church: when someone walks through the door alone, what are your assumptions? Do you know how often I have been asked if my husband would be joining me? (I like to say, “I certainly hope so, but first I need to meet him.”)
The American Church tends to consider singles ministry as a transitions ministry: we assume that ministries for singles should be about pastoring to them in the aftermath of divorce or in setting them up for dating relationships with each other. I don’t think I have ever seen a singles ministry model that assumed that single folks were neither wounded by divorce nor heading toward the Promised Land of marriage. How about it, pastors? Can we work on this?
How many of Unitarian Universalist congregations start their church service with familes lighting the chalice? Is the “family” in question always a family with two parents (of any gender) and children? In my congregation, we try to present a mix of families, solo folks, and duos or trios of friends or leadership teams.
How many sermons use married and family life as the sole illustrations for relationship issues? How many preachers preach Sunday after Sunday about the challenges of family life, never taking into account the people in the pews who would dearly love the opportunity to have these same challenges? When those little babies come singing down the aisle waving banners every Sunday at the church I just mentioned, has anyone considered the agony it might be causing to women or couples who have been trying to conceive, and failing year after year? Couples whose adoption proceedings have fallen through? Single women and men who dearly want to have children and who are unsuccessfully seeking a partner with whom to share the experience of parenting?
Women who had an abortion this week, or who are considering one? It’s important that the way we lift up God’s blessings of relationship at a particular point in our liturgies (whether it be the chalice lighting or offering or the sermon) not look the same every time we do it.
When your congregation has a fellowship dinner or a Circle Supper, is everyone seated couple by couple in deference to their comfort level, leaving singles to shoehorn themselves in, or is there an effort made to diversify the tables? Has your church ever committed the unpardonable rudeness of seating all the single people at a table by themselves at a social event, as happened to me once at a Pennsylvania congregation where all the singles were women?
“Here– you girls keep each other company.” How unbelievably insensitive!
How about pledging? When we discuss stewardship in our congregations and urge a pledge of, for instance, $1200 or more to meet a goal, are we taking into account the fact that most of the pledges are coming from couples? What are we saying to the singles? “We expect you to contribute twice as much to this congregation as the families (many of whom have children in religious education programs and ostensibly ‘cost’ the church more).” Why not suggest a per person guide to giving, and emphasize the individual spiritual benefits of practicing generosity? To look at it another way — couples aren’t one person; let’s stop treating them like one in this wise.
Those are just some thoughts for now. This issue has been on my mind for some time. There are millions more single adults in America than any other time in history. We are not just leftovers or people living half-lives until that magical moment when we find our special someone and join all you partnered grown-ups in the land of True Adulthood. That’s all a myth; all of it. Loneliness, need and emotional and social isolation are not just the challenges of single folk. They are human predicaments. The only difference is, partnered people mostly have someone at home to accompany them through these painful realities of the human condition. Singles don’t.
Church, remember them.
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Peacebang, Thank you for this post. I have a very close friend whom I invited to come to a Unitarian Universalist worship service with me several years ago. At the time, we were both single. I was horrified when the guest preacher gave a sermon with the message that people are “meant to go through life in twos” and that marriage is the fulfillment of this destiny. I found this very unusual for a UU sermon, but I don’t doubt there are subtler ways in which congregations slight single people, as you describe. And on the flip side, some congregations flourish by making an effort to provide social and spiritual opportunities for single people.
Comment by Shelby Meyerhoff — August 20, 2007 #
Our congregation is having a Baby Festival this year, with more than a dozen new arrivals this summer, including the pastor and the outgoing DLFD. Our pastor made sure to lift up the couples having trouble conceiving in the prayer one Sunday.
We’ve also got a ministry designed mostly for young adult singles, a retirement group for older people, and small-group ministries for people to come to without their partners. This year, we’re starting a Wednesday night fellowship-supper-classes-worship program, which we hope will help minister to singles and to couples without children.
So I think it’s quite possible to do church with and for singles, and I hope other churches are doing it too. I’m sorry if that’s not always the case.
As a side note: I go to church with my girlfriend, but people frequently don’t realize she’s my girlfriend. Last year I was invited to a We Hate Valentine’s Day party. Apparently, we are successfully navigating the church as though we aren’t linked at the hip.
Comment by Ellis — August 20, 2007 #
Hi PeaceBang, first comment here, just found your blog!
I agree with your post except for the part about the children’s participation in the ceremony possibly causing pain to those in the crowd who may be battling infertility, stalled adoptions or those who long for a child.
I’m not sure what the answer to this is. I guess churches could strive to mix it up and have a varied group carry the offering?
Or should we hide the children in the basement? Oh wait, that is what my UU church does on most Sundays!
Comment by Ann — August 20, 2007 #
Thank you PeaceBang!!! I’m single as well, well into my adult years and its not looking likely that status will change anytime soon (ever?). Mostly I’m OK with that, even enjoy being an independent gal but sometimes it does smart and all too often its church that gets it smarting.
- Tandaina
Comment by Tandaina — August 20, 2007 #
Amen, sing it Sister!
Comment by repressed librarian — August 20, 2007 #
A. MEN. SISTER. This is what I have been trying to get across to my church for a decade now. A church which explicitly states on its order of service every week that it seeks to be inclusive! And again I say, AMEN!
Comment by Elizabeth — August 20, 2007 #
AMEN!!! I’m married now, but for the first few years I was in my present congregation, I felt very left out/ irrelevant. I can’t tell you how many times I was told that there was no ministry with people like me, because “single people just don’t come to church, they come back when they have families.” And even now, without children, I really don’t feel like I have a peer group– or like anyone’s particularly interested in someone who’s family situation isn’t like theirs.
Comment by Mrs. M — August 20, 2007 #
Terrific subject. I’ve asked the minister of my church to think about it in terms of our services.
Comment by Paul Wilczynski — August 20, 2007 #
Thank you.
Comment by SisterCoyote — August 20, 2007 #
God, this really spoke to me. I had such trouble going to church as a single person. While it could have been a great opportunity to meet people, many activities I was interested in, such as Saturday Suppers, were for couples only. Once I was allowed to go as a “substitute” for another couple as long as I brought a UU friend with me. And I’m now wondering if one of the reasons I don’t currently attend church is that I often feel childless as a congregant and less than whole, which is I think what you’re getting at theologically — the idea (and model) that we’re only whole if we’re partnered with offspring.
Comment by Ms. Theologian — August 20, 2007 #
Ms. T, it is SO WRONG for ANY program of the church be for couples only. That’s infuriating! Unless it’s a marriage enrichment program, there should be no segregating of the partnered and unpartnered. :::shakes head in anger and sorrow:::
Comment by PeaceBang — August 20, 2007 #
A church newsletter I receive (not MY church, I hasten to add) has activities for a group called “Pairs and Spares” It makes me cringe to even read it.
Comment by cindy, really — August 20, 2007 #
I know you are speaking the truth here, and I well remember the pain of doing church as a single person, but. . . .
almost all of the same critiques could be made by the parents of small children:
That the childcare is woefully inadequate and doesn’t cover anything but sunday am.
I’ve never been in a church where I felt entirely comfortable with my (little) kids staying in the nursery alone or walking to their classroom by themselves, and I’ve been in a lot of churches. This isn’t because I’m paranoid; the buildings are very non-secured (this is hard to overcome on Sunday, admittedly) and no one seems to be really looking out for the kids (this is deplorable). Two languid, chatting nursery workers for fifteen toddlers is not appropriate.
Events take place far too late for families with young children.
No one seems to know how to minister to parents expecting a child, or with a new child, very well beyond patting bellies and articulating platitudes. I’ve actually fixed a sandwich for someone who, less than a month post my first cesarean and in the throes of postpartum depression, came to “minister” to me (while they held the baby!)
When a child acts, well, like a child, the scowls and comments I overhear make me wonder why families keep coming.
I am somewhat sorrry for this rant, particularly when I’m not offering anything constructive as a solution, but I’m really struggling with this currently.
Comment by Madgebaby — August 20, 2007 #
PB,
Add my AMEN to the chorus above. Add to that, my previous Episcopal church here in Silicon Valley CA seemed to feel that I had more time to devote to “good works”. The sentiment seemed to be to the effect that my participation as volunteer was “required” and I had the time anyway and what else would I do. However there was no particular effort to know me and inquire as to my spiritual needs. I didn’t stay very long.
Comment by Bonnie — August 20, 2007 #
Thanks for posting this. I recently gave up on Match.com and am feeling very… insignificant, I guess. When I tell my friends that I worry that I’ll never find a loving relationship, they tell me to be grateful for the freedom of single life. I suppose I could flirt with anyone I choose, if I’m feeling flirty. But I am not looking for random encounters. I’m 31 and ready for a committed relationship; anything else is unappealing. I want somebody who will give me a hug and rub circles on my back when I’ve had a stressful day. It’s nice to see someone recognize that while single life does have some benefits (I can choose any paint color I want for my bedroom), the world seems set up for pairs and families. Vacations are priced for double occupancy. Sales are buy one, get one free. I don’t NEED 64oz of ketchup! Just make one bottle half price! And mostly, I don’t have a reliable source of human touch. I come home from work and snuggle with my dog, but I can go for weeks at a time without a real hug.
I’m working on being satisfied with my life and single-status, but sometimes it’s really hard.
Comment by Kristen — August 21, 2007 #
As a single black female I guess singlehood has always been a little different for me; since black women are the largest “never-been-married” group.
What most family ministries overlook is that singlehood is a family type. So in not paying attention to singles, there is a family type that is not being ministered to.
I wonder how the changing face of professional ministry is going to impact this. With the majority of new UU ministers being female (and a good number of them single), and the close-to-majority of the mainline and liberal Protestants being female, soemthing’s going to have to change.
Comment by KRH — August 22, 2007 #
AAAAHHHHH-LAY-LOO-YAH! I know we touched upon this subject before( oh, just a teensy bit)…ahem…thanks for posting on it so eloquently!
xoxoxox sisbang
Comment by Sisterbang — August 22, 2007 #
I do have to say, the church that I attend is generally excellent in terms of treating single people as equals. Chalice lightings are open to everyone, there are no “couples only” social events, and I haven’t seen any singles ostracized for not being part of a couple. However, in the last three to four years, a huge effort has been made to reach out families with children. Children were probably underserved by our church in the past, and having children is a major reason why many now-UU’s went looking for a church; but our church is located smack-dab in an area with thousands of singles (many of them young or new in the city and looking for a social/spiritual network). As our church has become more family-centric, I notice fewer and fewer singles joining the church and fewer members who are single attending as much as they used to. Young adult activities have morphed from “let’s go see a documentary and then go out for coffee” to “free babysitting at church while we go out for pizza, then we’ll return and dye Easter eggs with the kids.”
A Singles Network would be awesome, but I don’t think our church (with one very overworked minister and one DRE who is very busy with the children) has the staffing to do it. In my experience, programming and outreach only happens if you have staff. Most times, singles programming is left to the lay people to coordinate. When the lay people coordinating it move, or have a time conflict, or just get so burned out that they have to take a break, the group falls apart. The other challenge, as you pointed out, is convening the group’s purpose is not solely divorce support or a matchmaking service. When I was a kid, I attended a large non-UU church, and I often babysat for the Singles Ministry. Ninety percent of the parents I saw were there for divorce support and counseling, to meet a mate, or simple for free babysitting. I think they have a more diverse group now, but it has taken 20 years of Singles Ministry (complete with it’s very own Singles Minister) to get to that point.
Comment by Katie — August 23, 2007 #
I understand your point, but my experience was different. I am married, but mostly attend services on my own. When I started going to church I was struggling with infertility, but it was wonderful to see the kids and enjoyed watching them at services. Although I often thought about my own struggles during times of reflection I did not dwell on it when the kids were part of the services.
Comment by Kim — August 25, 2007 #
i’m involved in UU young adult ministry and i think a lot of the problems and reasons you’ve stated here are very much part of the reason a lot of young UUs leave the church. thanks for putting this out there
Comment by claire — August 25, 2007 #
Like Kim, I am married, but attend church alone. My husband also goes to his Catholic church alone. I have been turned off by churches that hide the kids in the basement during the service. Worse, one local church (not mine, and this is part of the reason) hides the parents there too! Pretty much any one who comes in with a child less then 10 is expected to either report to the crying room, which has no view of the service, only sound piped in, or to send the kid to religious ed during the service. This is true even on a first visit. I don’t have kids, but I don’t understand the splitting of the community. When I go to my husband’s church, they have figured out how to have kids in the sanctuary without being disruptive.
On the actual topic of your post, I would like to say Amen as well. I think it is important to think of “programming that serves singles,” not “singles programming.” That programming may be dinners, or volunteer opportunities, book groups, study groups. It may even *GASP* be some of the same programming as for the marrieds and kids. My church does this well, finding opportunities to involve a range of people with similar interests. Maybe that’s why it feels so comfortable to so many singles or those of us who do not share a religious tradition with our spouses.
Comment by Sara in MN — May 30, 2008 #