PeaceBang

Minister’s Wives and Ministerial Expectations

October 21, 2007 on 6:44 am | In Cultural Commentary, Mind of the Minister, Theological Reflection |

I’ve been working on a theory. Maybe it’s not original, but I haven’t seen much about it, so I’m musing about it here.

My theory is that although all of society has had to shift to adjust to the new model of two working parents, the American church has taken a particularly hard hit from which it has yet to recover in the loss of the stay-at-home, housekeeping spouse. We certainly talk about this shift in terms of the loss of volunteer presence in our churches, but I don’t know that we’ve analyzed the change well enough in terms of ministerial expectations; that is, the expectations that laypeople have of the clergy, and perhaps more importantly, the expectations that the clergy have for themselves.

I am now eleven years in the parish ministry. In my first parish, I came in as an interim to a conflicted situation. It did not strike me as shocking that I should be expected to be at the office by 9 (I wasn’t; I essentially refused) and to be available for congregational programs and meetings most of the day until 11 pm (I used to sneak away for a work-out between 3-4:30, and that’s just how I thought of it; “sneaking away”). The congregation was corporate-sized, it was in a period of difficult transition, and I figured I could soldier on for two years this way and earn my stripes [military imagery entirely intentional !]

I would later learn that this is, in fact, the way most American clergy live their lives all their ministry, not just during especially conflicted years.

And you know what? IF a minister has a help-mate at home who provides their meals or nourishing snacks, cleans up after those meals, does the grocery shopping, the errands, the laundry, the majority of the hands-on parenting responsibilities, the house cleaning, gate keeping phone answering duties, the social planning and hostessing, the pet care, the travel planning, the car maintenance and the seasonal decorating, it’s possible to be that available to the Church. It’s probably possible to remain grounded body and soul, to be available to meet a wide variety of needs and to show up emotionally open, spiritually-centered and organizationally prepared IF you have that person at home to attend to the domestic duties.

But who has that anymore? Who? Male, female, gay, straight? …. Precious few!

This is no surprise to anyone, but let’s look at the implications of really acknowledging this reality.

I use as an example my own experience from a spring conference a few years ago:
My congregation hosted the district event and I hosted our keynote speaker. I was also scheduled to preach the opening worship service. Altogether an exciting and delightful prospect, especially since our keynote is a mentor of mine and someone I was really looking forward to having in close proximity for several days.

According to the “old-school” model that I think most of us are still unconsciously operating on, I would have been able to look forward to, and to schedule time for, extra conversations with my mentor, and the preparation of a second sermon for the weekend’s worship services. Yes, some extra work, but altogether manageable.

According to the New Reality model, I grocery-shopped for the food for myself and my guest, cooked and cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the entire house including the guest rooms, laundered sheets and towels, set the table and tidied up after preparing five or six meals, wrote my extra sermon between 11 pm and 1 am, and ironed my own blouse, shined my shoes, and kept up with all the other responsibilities of the church. I came away from the experience incredibly angry with myself for feeling frantic and depleted. It didn’t occur to me until much later that there simply weren’t enough hours in the day to do everything that I felt I had to do. When I shared this frustration with a district colleague, she offered to reimburse me for food costs. I didn’t need money; I needed time!

Even had I had a husband, I can’t imagine that that would have changed the situation all that drastically. In fact, we may have gotten into a fight about his lack of support. Because life is like that, he would likely have had needs and responsibilities of his own to contend with that were in conflict with mine, and there would have been the added stress of arguing with my spouse to deal with!!! I do hear tell that that happens now and then with the married folk. (big wink!)

Now, how is this situation different than that faced on a regular basis by any other busy professional or family?

It is significantly different in one major aspect: although most Americans are chronically over-busy and over-committed today, clergy are uniquely expected to maintain a caring, emotionally available, informed, relational, wise and articulate presence within all the busyness. They are expected, in short, to be particularly healthy and whole people, to listen and watch for God’s presence in their lives and leadership, and to be present not only in body, but in love.

I believe we have yet to answer this question for ourselves and for the American church: are we being honest with ourselves about the fact that domestic duties that are no one’s “real job” anymore take real hours of the day? Furthermore, are pastors themselves ready to consider that it is we who, in our egotism, have been misleading and dishonest about the fact that we, like ordinary mortals, have to spend a portion of every day cooking, cleaning and often, wiping mashed peas off toddler’s faces?

I think we are peering through our fingers with terror at this reality, worried that if we acknowledge that cooking meals, cleaning house, doing laundry and other invisible “women’s work” actually take REAL HOURS IN OUR WEEK, we will have to bow our heads and acknowledge that we have been liars and cheats in relationship to ourselves, our churches, and our families.

Add it up. Who are we kidding? What human being can really write, produce and “star” in an hour-long worship service every week (a production which includes a well-researched, carefully crafted 20-minute speech that should appeal to the intellect, the moral sense and the spirit), care about and visit with dozens of people of all ages with a wide variety of emotional crises for which they need support, craft and officiate at rites of passage, organize and support all manner of church and community efforts, advocate for the victims of oppression, and also keep themselves, their homes and their families in decent shape? Notice our ever expanding waistlines when you attend a clergy gathering. Notice how less-often the pastor’s home is the site of social events — who has time to clean the house and prepare the appetizers?

I have been so angry with myself for years for getting so fat, for not keeping a neat and organized enough home and office, for failing for the umpteenth summer in a row to do real gardening (my little flower, tomato and herb garden doesn’t count, for some reason), for always having overflowing bins of laundry that don’t get done, for eating out far too often and relying on housekeepers to come once a month to do my vacuuming, kitchen and bathroom for me. For some reason, and I blame it on my internalization of the frantic, crisis-oriented pace of my first two years in ministry, I got it into my head that cooking a meal, doing laundry and taking care of my domestic needs were things that one “snuck in” to the day, guiltily, with a certain degree of shame, even. Because by my reasoning, if something didn’t contribute directly to some task of ministry, it was to be done in a messy rush, dispatched with as fast as possible, never honored as an essential part of human life. Never done mindfully, treasured, or appreciated in any way. Gotta get the laundry done so I can get back to having big ideas and writing deep thoughts!

(Blogging, I should say, has always been obvious self-care in my eyes. I process emotions and ideas through writing, and my blog readers have been my “someone at home to talk to” for two years, and thank God for ya. Also: fringe benefit! Since I started blogging, sermon-writing iis far more pleasant and well-oiled than before because my linguistic muscles are in constant use).

So gang, I think we have a problem. We are too often unconconsciously operating as though it was 1850 or so, when clergymen could be assumed to have wives to care for their domestic needs and pastors could devote their entire day and night to study, sermon preparation, pastoral calls, and cultivation of the quiet air of sanctity and piety that would set a good example for their congregations, and set them apart from their flock.

Big mistake. Big, big mistake to keep living like that. For one thing, and perhaps the most essential thing, we are not sanctified and pious and thereby exempt from any of the stresses that anyone else faces. Get real! We are all in this chaotic mess together, and pastors who are trying to hang onto any vestiges of “holier-than-thou” are setting themselves up for depression, addiction, isolation and a host of other disasters. In my opinion, ministers today are leaders in one significant way above all: we are responsible for making theological meaning and casting a hopeful vision for our congregations in the midst of all this sociological change. It is not for us to stand apart and cling desperately to our old image, but to get down on our knees with our people and grieve the passing of the old (hey, not everything about the old church was great, but a lot of it was great, thanks to the Greatest Generation) while working as hard as we can to usher in a new era of the church based on current realities, not fantasies.

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This is a great post. In the old church (and synagogue, for that matter) the minister/rabbi’s wife not only supported him domestically and emotionally, but the entire congregation. Being the preacher’s wife or the rebbetzin was a *job*, and hiring committees knew they were getting two for the price of one. To what extent does that old model still hold sway unconsciously, I wonder? So that now single clergy are expected to do the job of two … and clerical spouses are still expected to take on some kind of semi-official role regardless of their other commitments. (Including private spiritual ones. No one is expecting my rabbi’s wife to make kugel for every bris, I don’t think, but there would definitely be eyebrows raised if she decided she wanted to take a break from services for a while, or explore Buddhism or Wicca or Christianity. Which she really ought to have the right to do.)

I can’t think of any other profession besides politics where we still hold to this kind of model. Most professions (doctor, academic, executive) still base their standards for achievement on what you can achieve if you have a stay-at-home wife, but are there any besides ministry and politics where the spouse has such a symbolic public role, and where serious wifely commitment to the husband’s work is expected?

[My cousin was a rebbetzin before her divorce and it was definitely a full-time job!! And you're right in that, while expectations of clergy spouses has changed somewhat, there are still plenty of congregations for whom an absent clergy spouse would mean serious political trouble. -- PB]

Comment by MissConduct — October 21, 2007 #
In the old days, the minister often had three other supports you didn’t mention.

1. The minister’s wife — through inherited or tended wealth — was often a source of income or security in old age. God bless Judith Murray.

2. We have reason to believe that — then as now — good and bad ideas were first bounced off the spouse. Ditto for Judith.

3. Something you already know: pulpit swaps were for making a prepared sermon stretch through several hearings. I’ve noticed them dry up in the last couple of decades, or perhaps I’m not running in the right circles any more? [No -- I don't know any districts where pulpit exchanges are a regular reality -- most UU congregations with FT ministers expect their own minister to preach most Sundays. Another popular model is to have a lay-led service the fourth Sunday of the month. It is a shame that when we give a really great sermon it generally gets put away forever. I think there was a time when people would say, "Ah yes, the minister in the church up the road gave an award-winning sermon at GA, let's get her some Sunday to come here. Doesn't happen now, in my experience. Competition? Sense of turf? I don't know. - PB]

Comment by Scott Wells (Boy in the Bands) — October 21, 2007 #
Wise post, PB. My parish minister partner and I just had a big argument a couple of nights ago born of our mutual frustration that we never seem to get anything done around the house and we’re living in knee-deep clutter. This helps put it in perspective. Thank you!

Comment by Sarah — October 21, 2007 #
I have found that most of my problems along this line are of my own making, and solution akin to a spiritual discipline. My congregation can be helped to understand why I come in at 9/leave at 3/attend no more than 3 evening events a week and all over by 9, or whatever I’ve decided makes for a reasonable work week. Nor has anyone balked when we quit hosting events at our home, and I just don’t offer home hospitality to anybody, ever. Gotta save some joys for retirement.

It’s me who schedules badly, forgets how much work hosting events is, etc. Some of it is such fun, I say yes to too much. The one time it’s really “the job” is when death hits too hard and too often…that’s when I hit the potato chips too hard in resentful response.

It’s an ongoing issue for most of us, but I really think it really is mostly us, not “them”, our expectations of ourselves, and not theirs of us, that are the problem.
[And I agree with you. If you read the post closely, I insinuate that it is we who do the worst damage to ourselves. Love the comment about "hitting the potato chips in resentful response!" when Death comes 'round too often -- PB]

Comment by Christine Robinson — October 21, 2007 #
PB, this makes me want to fly to Boston, do your laundry and organize your closets. Which I know you’re not asking for in this post, but there you go.

My brother is a pastor and my sister-in-law just returned to work as a teacher because they really couldn’t live on one income. It breaks my heart to see how incredibly stressed she is as she works both shifts. I can see now that she’s probably working three shifts: teacher, pastor’s wife, and domestic goddess.

He seems pretty happy, so in their lives I think she is carrying the bigger burden. Perhaps in these times a minister’s family requires three adults?

Oh dear, I probably don’t want to re-open the polyamory discussion…

[I should have said that as of this year, I changed my ways and started to prepare food, grocery shop, do laundry, etc. as needed without a feeling of stealth or guilt. It has made a big difference in my general outlook and sense of being cared for. It means that I am saying "no" to some things, but it also means that I have a lot less shame and denial about the fact that yes, it takes time every day to feed and care for Vicki and her home, because I'm not special in that way. Why in the world did it take me a decade to get there? Thanks for the caring thoughts, though. But I would never let anyone else do my laundry! -- PB]

Comment by Louise — October 21, 2007 #
There’s more to add to Scott’s comments too, if we’re comparing today to 1850. Families were larger, with children (especially daughters) often staying at home until marriage, and once they were old enough to walk and talk they were old enough to start helping with domestic duties (again, especially daughters). This gave the minister’s wife a built-in force of domestic labor; kids these days aren’t given nearly the same level of household responsibility, and they’re involved in far more activities (that generate far greater costs) than mid-19th century children. It was not uncommon for the grandparents to be in the home as well, and to help with a degree of the chores.

But there’s an even more direct source of household labor many mid-19th century clergy could draw on: domestic servants. Servants who lived in the home or came to work there for significant parts of the day were common, though hardly universal. Today live-in domestic servants are rare; I doubt if 1% of the Unitarian-Universalist clergy have such servants, a dramatic decrease from earlier times.

All of these differences–working spouse, smaller families, fewer generations under one roof, children with fewer household responsibilities, a near total absence of domestic servants, and so on–are the result of changing social conditions exterior to Unitarian-Universalism itself. But I agree the image of the clergy hasn’t changed much, to the detriment of our ministers. This is a very important topic you’ve put your finder on.

I would also add that the expansion of diversity within UU circles has also put a further strain on ministers. Once upon a time you could count on a basically set liturgy (or at least liturgical patterns) for every regular service, with a set text from which to quickly snatch readings if necessary (i.e. the Bible), and a straightforward congregation of Unitarian or Universalist Christians gathered to hear a fairly specific message. But now there is no common praxis, congregants demand a wide variety in the types of services they’re presented over the course of a year, there are many (sometimes mutually incompatible or even antagonistic) differing constituencies in the pews, and the Bible is verboten in many circles. So Sundays have come to demand immeasurably more time and tinkering at the same time that ministers have lost the domestic support that allows sufficient time to be put into the complicated modern services. I really feel for those of you in this position. What a burden it is you take on for the benefit of the rest of us, who are often ungrateful or just plain unaware of your sacrifices.

[Thanks for the analysis, Jeff. I have thought at times of having someone live with me who might need the housing, in exchange for light housekeeping, companionship and some cooking. But of course that wouldn't work -- the boundaries these days are too blurred. And your observations about the high level of creativity involved in the average UU liturgy nowadays is spot on. -- PB]

Comment by Jeff W. — October 21, 2007 #
I wonder if the work and role of minister will be re-thought, or re-envisioned in light of all this.

That being said, I don’t know anyone who has enough time for everything. The only solution I know of is to have less of all obligations - house, friends, work, things.

Constant busy-ness is, I think, a real marker of the times we live in. I think Jeff W makes great points, as does Christine.

Comment by h sofia — October 21, 2007 #
I was just telling a widowed Pastor’s wife this morning that there is a special place in heaven for Pastor’s spouses where there is a spa, angels to serve you champagne and strawberries and NO WHINING! I pray this is true for my long suffering partner.

Comment by god guurrll — October 21, 2007 #
Boy, you got me here Peacebang. I gave up being the pastor of a church when my second baby was about to be born, because as much as I wanted to believe I could do it all, I realized that I, personally, could not.

Now I live a life that looks a lot like June Cleavers’ on the outide–the difference being that my dear husband knows I have choices and supports me in the ones I make. I can’t imagine being out at night, and on weekends and holidays, with my family elsewhere (at least for now).

Domestic work has absolute value–having a somewhat clean house (not my forte) and home cooked meals has value. My husband being able to go on work trips knowing our family is reasonably well put together and he’ll have clean shirts and underwear when he comes home has value. being able to take home cooked food to a sick or bereaved or postpartum person has value. It’s a @#$( shame that work isn’t valued as much as the stuff that brings money and prestige.

When I stepped out of the paid work force, I knew I’d take a hit ego wise and professionally but I had no idea how big a hit (and this is with a spouse who absolutely values my presence in the home and with whom I share equally in decision making and financial power even though I bring little actual money in). Someday I hope to step back into professional ministry, but for now I’m hoping that I’m modeling that part of our ordination vows that ask us to model in our households the presence of God.

Good for you for finding ways to be kind to yourself and keep a home amid the pressures of parish ministry!

Comment by Madgebaby — October 21, 2007 #
It all makes my head spin. I have been a #2 minister (or maybe it’s a #2 pencil!) for 5+ years now. Expectations are much less for this position, at least they are at my church. If I don’t turn up at every event or meeting, people are less upset, as my presence doesn’t lend the prestige of my senior colleague. Likewise, if I fail to call someone or call on them for a pastoral need - even though I am charged with pastoral care! No prestige attached to my visit, so no problem. I preach once a month, not thrice, so my creative energy is not as depleted. (Nor am I engaged so often in my evil habit of a sleep-deprived night before the biggest work day of the week.) The expectations of my spouse are miniscule because of my position and my gender. He can come to church or not, volunteer for stuff or not. Finally, there is the heavenly realization that I’m not in charge of what I affectionately call “GD everything”.

If it weren’t for the fact that I desperately miss preaching, and my ego takes a pounding every few minutes or so, it would be a perfect life. Madgebaby has a point. Our egos become rapacious creditors, and if they are our masters, we can expect a lifetime of misery.

Thanks for the post.

Comment by Rev. Gidget — October 21, 2007 #
I do wonder how much this still has to do with the fact that while those who have entered the ministry have changed, the expectation of congregants have not.

The fact is that while those who now enter the ministry are more than likely to be female and/or single(not to mention older),especially in mainline and liberal/progressive denominations and congregations; much of the job expectation for congregational ministers still haven’t dealt with that fact.

And while congregants fully expect the “church” to recognize the changes in their lives, they seem to be much less willing to see that those same changes have occurred in the lives of the people called to professional ministry.

I think that you are being a little too hard on yourself PB. Part of the reason I think you’re being too hard on yourself is that far too many of our UU churches ARE really like the first church you pastored. In chaos. That’s why so many UU churches have the reputation of being minister-eating.

To be sure, there are things that the modern minister can do to releve some of the stress of the job. But a good deal of this comes from outside forces that you have no control over. So unless the laity decide not to be so…..so, do what you can and leave the rest for another day.

Comment by KRH — October 21, 2007 #
This is a great conversation - thanks to everyone for so many points of view.

I agree that our habits tend to start in those first years of ministry - and I would say that is the case no matter the situation. I now see how good I had things in my first couple of years with a smaller congregation and had only to take care of myself. I didn’t do such a good job of that because I needed to learn what I was doing.

As a clergy couple, my spouse and I trade off who had main responsibility for cooking, cleaning, and bills depending on who has a larger congregation and who is fully employed. I am really enjoying the chance to learn how to cook good meals and keep the house. I see how much time it requires. And we are still not getting to the gym. I’m not sure what will happen when we start to have children.

I encounter a little minister’s spouse expectation from my spouse’s church, but more from the fact that they don’t see me for months at a time. He is very good at reminding them I lead service at my own churches on Sundays. I think they want to see me in order to be reassured that he is ok. I show up at events whenever possible or convenient. He has a great church, so I am happy to do so. Also, at the very beginning, we were very clear that I would not be a minister for the church - they were not getting two for one. I have done a few things with them, such as lead a committee (not Board) retreat. The leaders set up a separate contract with me and paid me as a professional.

I think our society is still getting used to the fact that many couples are two independent professionals, both to make ends meet and for each person’s fulfillment. For all the reasons already mentioned, church is one of the places where this adjustment has a way to go.

Comment by jinnis — October 22, 2007 #
Speaking as an engineer’s wife, who used to live with him in Silicon Valley: we pastors work engineers’ hours without the engineers’ income, that generally permit the substitution of money for one’s time and effort.

Comment by Mary Ann — October 22, 2007 #
Interesting thought piece, PB, I’m glad that your blogs are energizing for you. I certainly have enjoyed them and find them helpful.

I have recently acquired a stay at home spouse — it is a delight in many ways and I adore having meals prepared for me (and especially that I don’t have to do the dreaded grocery shopping). It has helped me carve out more time at home as I have an easier time saying no to one more meeting when my excuse is time with family rather than time for myself.

However, I am not taking care of myself any better. I do think the lack of self care and overwork in clergy comes more from internal than from external realities. The lack of structure in our schedules make us the boundary setters for our time and most liberal clergy are not very good boundary setters.

It is easy to blaim our parishes as demanding. I have a few experiences which suggest otherwise. I am hard working but not workaholic. In my last three congregations, members were surprised and pleased by how present I was. Early in my career, I, like you, served as an interim assistant in a corporate sized congregation. I felt no pressure to work more than I did — other than a bit from my morning person colleague who came in earlier than I (but usually took off earlier at dinner time). However, the settled minister who followed me, a lovely talented person, worked 80 hour weeks and complained of all the pressures to do more. Either the congregation changed dramatically in three months, or a lot of the pressure she felt was self imposed.

One thing that has helped me with the time issues you cite is that I pay for some “servants” now, where I didn’t earlier in my career. I have professionals who clean my house regularly. We get our lawn mowed and some yard work done. I don’t “do it myself” anymore when it comes to fixing things. I don’t necessarily have more time, but my home is nicer and more peaceful rather than chaotic and guilt inducing — and it makes the thought of entertaining less stressful.

Comment by Kate R — October 22, 2007 #
Wonderful post and wonderful comments. Too tired to be eloquent right now, headed for bed. (College prof who occasionally -less this year because I’ve set limits on it- preaches weekends and just did yesterday.)

Much food for thought. Many thanks.

Comment by Jane R — October 22, 2007 #
On a related note, can we please end the “joke” of calling someone’s male partner “the minister’s wife” unless they call themselves that first (I know a few guys who are thrilled to take on the Donna Reed role, but let’s not enforce it, Ok?)

I cannot tell you how many times this exchange has happened:

SCENE: Cocktail party
(Me and Mr. Bluish standing side by side.)

ME: Yes, I’m going to be a UU minister.

WELL-MEANING UU:(turning towards Mr. Bluish)
So, how do you feel about being a Minister’s Wife, har har (poke in the ribs)? The stubble might look funny with an apron. Are you good at baking Christmas cookies?

MR BLUISH: (putting on his game face) Actually, I’m Jewish, but I make a mean kugel.

WELL-MEAINING UU: Oh, Jewish, that’s cool. Are you going to go to church every week anyway? We sang the “Dreidel” song with the kids last year at Hannukah.

ME: Hey look! Isn’t that Barack Obama over there?!? (grab spouse’s hand and run away).

Comment by bluish seminarian — October 22, 2007 #
One good thing for Catholic priests is that they are provided a housekeeper (usually) who deals with all of the domestic needs so that the priest can be available 24/7 for the congregation. The reality of balancing church life & domestic life is sometimes used as the rationale behind the ban on priests marrying (although this ban is not universal in the Catholic church which makes me wonder if those who are able to get around it are considered by other clerics to be lesser priests?! Just thinking logically again…).

“They are expected, in short, to be particularly healthy and whole people, to listen and watch for God’s presence in their lives and leadership, and to be present not only in body, but in love.”

In my first UU church there were several lay ministers, fully endowed to carry out the duties of ministry (weddings, funerals, etc.). I thought that was strange-why couldn’t the ordained minister handle it? I was caught up in the old mentality you’re talking about, and I’ve come to see that having a team of (well trained) lay ministers to help support all the souls of the church is important. Indeed, I believe more churches should emphasize the need for all believers to participate, in some way or another, in ministry. Here in ATL I notice that quite a few churches from various denominations seem to have shifted to this shared ministry model.

“we are responsible for making theological meaning and casting a hopeful vision for our congregations”

Amen!

Comment by NDM — October 23, 2007 #
Very good food for thought for an aspiring seminarian/wife/mom-2-4.

The Husband actually grew up as a preacher’s kid. What sort of insanity does he have to support me in this call, I have asked him. He just shrugs and smiles. Love.

But at least I can say, Hey, you had an idea what you were getting into …

Comment by Lizard Eater — October 24, 2007 #
Amen, sister! I have been blogging this last year about life back at the UU parsonage, and these are real issues. Hmmm, haven’t covered the housework issue yet — maybe it’s time!

parslife.wordpress.com

Comment by Parslife — October 24, 2007 #
Just to add to what NDM mentioned about Roman Catholic priests having a full-time housekeeper…
This has changed in many parishes, due to the fact that few worship communities deem it worthy to foot the bill for full-time domestic help if only one priest lives in the rectory…and that is the reality in most Catholic churches in this country.
It has gotten to the point where I have heard of at least one Catholic bishop who has hired a nutritionist/consultant to help single priest/pastors cook healthy, quick meals for themselves, since many were relying on microwaving whatever was on sale in the frozen food aisle the week before.
This issue is truly one that crosses denominational boundaries.

Comment by tommy — October 26, 2007 #
Very good observations. In my previous life, I was a social worker, 18 years’ experience, and very good at taking care of myself. Sometimes folks don’t like it, but I continue to take care of myself (sometimes with great guilt). Oh, I wish I had a spouse, for both personal and parochial reasons. But I don’t. My housekeeper comes every 2 weeks. My 2 dogs are my best friends, but I have others — developed because I INSIST on having time for myself. I’ve been here 4 years (nearly 5), and it feels like I’m just beginning to have really good friends.

I agree with some of your posters — sometimes it’s the pastor’s need to feel indispensible, rather than other things that can be flexed, that keep demand so high.

Comment by Ann — October 31, 2007 #
Thank you!

Also, these findings remind me of how feminism changed the volunteer work force in the church. Some of our old-timers bemoan that no one volunteers like they used to. The Women’s Federation used to do so much! Now most of our women are working full-time or are working part-time jobs and also doing household and childcare. Our younger families don’t have the energy to host dinner parties and bake banana bread for the church.

Comment by Laughwild78 — July 3, 2009 #

Minister’s Wives and Ministerial Expectations

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