I agree with some of your posters — sometimes it’s the pastor’s need to feel indispensible, rather than other things that can be flexed, that keep demand so high.

parslife.wordpress.com

The Husband actually grew up as a preacher’s kid. What sort of insanity does he have to support me in this call, I have asked him. He just shrugs and smiles. Love.

But at least I can say, Hey, you had an idea what you were getting into …

“They are expected, in short, to be particularly healthy and whole people, to listen and watch for God’s presence in their lives and leadership, and to be present not only in body, but in love.”

In my first UU church there were several lay ministers, fully endowed to carry out the duties of ministry (weddings, funerals, etc.). I thought that was strange-why couldn’t the ordained minister handle it? I was caught up in the old mentality you’re talking about, and I’ve come to see that having a team of (well trained) lay ministers to help support all the souls of the church is important. Indeed, I believe more churches should emphasize the need for all believers to participate, in some way or another, in ministry. Here in ATL I notice that quite a few churches from various denominations seem to have shifted to this shared ministry model.

“we are responsible for making theological meaning and casting a hopeful vision for our congregations”

Amen!

I cannot tell you how many times this exchange has happened:

SCENE: Cocktail party
(Me and Mr. Bluish standing side by side.)

ME: Yes, I’m going to be a UU minister.

WELL-MEANING UU:(turning towards Mr. Bluish)
So, how do you feel about being a Minister’s Wife, har har (poke in the ribs)? The stubble might look funny with an apron. Are you good at baking Christmas cookies?

MR BLUISH: (putting on his game face) Actually, I’m Jewish, but I make a mean kugel.

WELL-MEAINING UU: Oh, Jewish, that’s cool. Are you going to go to church every week anyway? We sang the “Dreidel” song with the kids last year at Hannukah.

ME: Hey look! Isn’t that Barack Obama over there?!? (grab spouse’s hand and run away).

Much food for thought. Many thanks.

I have recently acquired a stay at home spouse — it is a delight in many ways and I adore having meals prepared for me (and especially that I don’t have to do the dreaded grocery shopping). It has helped me carve out more time at home as I have an easier time saying no to one more meeting when my excuse is time with family rather than time for myself.

However, I am not taking care of myself any better. I do think the lack of self care and overwork in clergy comes more from internal than from external realities. The lack of structure in our schedules make us the boundary setters for our time and most liberal clergy are not very good boundary setters.

It is easy to blaim our parishes as demanding. I have a few experiences which suggest otherwise. I am hard working but not workaholic. In my last three congregations, members were surprised and pleased by how present I was. Early in my career, I, like you, served as an interim assistant in a corporate sized congregation. I felt no pressure to work more than I did — other than a bit from my morning person colleague who came in earlier than I (but usually took off earlier at dinner time). However, the settled minister who followed me, a lovely talented person, worked 80 hour weeks and complained of all the pressures to do more. Either the congregation changed dramatically in three months, or a lot of the pressure she felt was self imposed.

One thing that has helped me with the time issues you cite is that I pay for some “servants” now, where I didn’t earlier in my career. I have professionals who clean my house regularly. We get our lawn mowed and some yard work done. I don’t “do it myself” anymore when it comes to fixing things. I don’t necessarily have more time, but my home is nicer and more peaceful rather than chaotic and guilt inducing — and it makes the thought of entertaining less stressful.

I agree that our habits tend to start in those first years of ministry - and I would say that is the case no matter the situation. I now see how good I had things in my first couple of years with a smaller congregation and had only to take care of myself. I didn’t do such a good job of that because I needed to learn what I was doing.

As a clergy couple, my spouse and I trade off who had main responsibility for cooking, cleaning, and bills depending on who has a larger congregation and who is fully employed. I am really enjoying the chance to learn how to cook good meals and keep the house. I see how much time it requires. And we are still not getting to the gym. I’m not sure what will happen when we start to have children.

I encounter a little minister’s spouse expectation from my spouse’s church, but more from the fact that they don’t see me for months at a time. He is very good at reminding them I lead service at my own churches on Sundays. I think they want to see me in order to be reassured that he is ok. I show up at events whenever possible or convenient. He has a great church, so I am happy to do so. Also, at the very beginning, we were very clear that I would not be a minister for the church - they were not getting two for one. I have done a few things with them, such as lead a committee (not Board) retreat. The leaders set up a separate contract with me and paid me as a professional.

I think our society is still getting used to the fact that many couples are two independent professionals, both to make ends meet and for each person’s fulfillment. For all the reasons already mentioned, church is one of the places where this adjustment has a way to go.