PeaceBang

Minister’s Wives and Ministerial Expectations

I’ve been working on a theory. Maybe it’s not original, but I haven’t seen much about it, so I’m musing about it here.

My theory is that although all of society has had to shift to adjust to the new model of two working parents, the American church has taken a particularly hard hit from which it has yet to recover in the loss of the stay-at-home, housekeeping spouse. We certainly talk about this shift in terms of the loss of volunteer presence in our churches, but I don’t know that we’ve analyzed the change well enough in terms of ministerial expectations; that is, the expectations that laypeople have of the clergy, and perhaps more importantly, the expectations that the clergy have for themselves.

I am now eleven years in the parish ministry. In my first parish, I came in as an interim to a conflicted situation. It did not strike me as shocking that I should be expected to be at the office by 9 (I wasn’t; I essentially refused) and to be available for congregational programs and meetings most of the day until 11 pm (I used to sneak away for a work-out between 3-4:30, and that’s just how I thought of it; “sneaking away”). The congregation was corporate-sized, it was in a period of difficult transition, and I figured I could soldier on for two years this way and earn my stripes [military imagery entirely intentional !]

I would later learn that this is, in fact, the way most American clergy live their lives all their ministry, not just during especially conflicted years.

And you know what? IF a minister has a help-mate at home who provides their meals or nourishing snacks, cleans up after those meals, does the grocery shopping, the errands, the laundry, the majority of the hands-on parenting responsibilities, the house cleaning, gate keeping phone answering duties, the social planning and hostessing, the pet care, the travel planning, the car maintenance and the seasonal decorating, it’s possible to be that available to the Church. It’s probably possible to remain grounded body and soul, to be available to meet a wide variety of needs and to show up emotionally open, spiritually-centered and organizationally prepared IF you have that person at home to attend to the domestic duties.

But who has that anymore? Who? Male, female, gay, straight? …. Precious few!

This is no surprise to anyone, but let’s look at the implications of really acknowledging this reality.

I use as an example my own experience from a spring conference a few years ago:
My congregation hosted the district event and I hosted our keynote speaker. I was also scheduled to preach the opening worship service. Altogether an exciting and delightful prospect, especially since our keynote is a mentor of mine and someone I was really looking forward to having in close proximity for several days.

According to the “old-school” model that I think most of us are still unconsciously operating on, I would have been able to look forward to, and to schedule time for, extra conversations with my mentor, and the preparation of a second sermon for the weekend’s worship services. Yes, some extra work, but altogether manageable.

According to the New Reality model, I grocery-shopped for the food for myself and my guest, cooked and cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the entire house including the guest rooms, laundered sheets and towels, set the table and tidied up after preparing five or six meals, wrote my extra sermon between 11 pm and 1 am, and ironed my own blouse, shined my shoes, and kept up with all the other responsibilities of the church. I came away from the experience incredibly angry with myself for feeling frantic and depleted. It didn’t occur to me until much later that there simply weren’t enough hours in the day to do everything that I felt I had to do. When I shared this frustration with a district colleague, she offered to reimburse me for food costs. I didn’t need money; I needed time!

Even had I had a husband, I can’t imagine that that would have changed the situation all that drastically. In fact, we may have gotten into a fight about his lack of support. Because life is like that, he would likely have had needs and responsibilities of his own to contend with that were in conflict with mine, and there would have been the added stress of arguing with my spouse to deal with!!! I do hear tell that that happens now and then with the married folk. (big wink!)

Now, how is this situation different than that faced on a regular basis by any other busy professional or family?

It is significantly different in one major aspect: although most Americans are chronically over-busy and over-committed today, clergy are uniquely expected to maintain a caring, emotionally available, informed, relational, wise and articulate presence within all the busyness. They are expected, in short, to be particularly healthy and whole people, to listen and watch for God’s presence in their lives and leadership, and to be present not only in body, but in love.

I believe we have yet to answer this question for ourselves and for the American church: are we being honest with ourselves about the fact that domestic duties that are no one’s “real job” anymore take real hours of the day? Furthermore, are pastors themselves ready to consider that it is we who, in our egotism, have been misleading and dishonest about the fact that we, like ordinary mortals, have to spend a portion of every day cooking, cleaning and often, wiping mashed peas off toddler’s faces?

I think we are peering through our fingers with terror at this reality, worried that if we acknowledge that cooking meals, cleaning house, doing laundry and other invisible “women’s work” actually take REAL HOURS IN OUR WEEK, we will have to bow our heads and acknowledge that we have been liars and cheats in relationship to ourselves, our churches, and our families.

Add it up. Who are we kidding? What human being can really write, produce and “star” in an hour-long worship service every week (a production which includes a well-researched, carefully crafted 20-minute speech that should appeal to the intellect, the moral sense and the spirit), care about and visit with dozens of people of all ages with a wide variety of emotional crises for which they need support, craft and officiate at rites of passage, organize and support all manner of church and community efforts, advocate for the victims of oppression, and also keep themselves, their homes and their families in decent shape? Notice our ever expanding waistlines when you attend a clergy gathering. Notice how less-often the pastor’s home is the site of social events — who has time to clean the house and prepare the appetizers?

I have been so angry with myself for years for getting so fat, for not keeping a neat and organized enough home and office, for failing for the umpteenth summer in a row to do real gardening (my little flower, tomato and herb garden doesn’t count, for some reason), for always having overflowing bins of laundry that don’t get done, for eating out far too often and relying on housekeepers to come once a month to do my vacuuming, kitchen and bathroom for me. For some reason, and I blame it on my internalization of the frantic, crisis-oriented pace of my first two years in ministry, I got it into my head that cooking a meal, doing laundry and taking care of my domestic needs were things that one “snuck in” to the day, guiltily, with a certain degree of shame, even. Because by my reasoning, if something didn’t contribute directly to some task of ministry, it was to be done in a messy rush, dispatched with as fast as possible, never honored as an essential part of human life. Never done mindfully, treasured, or appreciated in any way. Gotta get the laundry done so I can get back to having big ideas and writing deep thoughts!

(Blogging, I should say, has always been obvious self-care in my eyes. I process emotions and ideas through writing, and my blog readers have been my “someone at home to talk to” for two years, and thank God for ya. Also: fringe benefit! Since I started blogging, sermon-writing iis far more pleasant and well-oiled than before because my linguistic muscles are in constant use).

So gang, I think we have a problem. We are too often unconconsciously operating as though it was 1850 or so, when clergymen could be assumed to have wives to care for their domestic needs and pastors could devote their entire day and night to study, sermon preparation, pastoral calls, and cultivation of the quiet air of sanctity and piety that would set a good example for their congregations, and set them apart from their flock.

Big mistake. Big, big mistake to keep living like that. For one thing, and perhaps the most essential thing, we are not sanctified and pious and thereby exempt from any of the stresses that anyone else faces. Get real! We are all in this chaotic mess together, and pastors who are trying to hang onto any vestiges of “holier-than-thou” are setting themselves up for depression, addiction, isolation and a host of other disasters. In my opinion, ministers today are leaders in one significant way above all: we are responsible for making theological meaning and casting a hopeful vision for our congregations in the midst of all this sociological change. It is not for us to stand apart and cling desperately to our old image, but to get down on our knees with our people and grieve the passing of the old (hey, not everything about the old church was great, but a lot of it was great, thanks to the Greatest Generation) while working as hard as we can to usher in a new era of the church based on current realities, not fantasies.

The Not-So-Mysterious Computer Crash of 10/07

This is a perfectly true story.

If you have a new Dell computer, you will notice that there is a little button to the left of the power button with a house icon on it. The button is useless. It’s there for some supposedly convenient function involving the ability to bypass Windows and go to Dell Media Direct when you’re watching DVDs, but it’s essentially unnecessary and potentially huge trouble.

The house button connects to something my techie called a hidden partition which means nothing to me, but here’s what you need to know: if you press that button while the computer is in sleep or hibernation mode, it will kick you into another drive and cause major problems. This is important: If you replaced the Vista OS with Windows XP, as I did, it will be more than a pain in the derriere. It will basically delete your hard drive.

You must be wondering how I was stupid enough to press the house button while the computer was in sleep mode. I didn’t. But I think I have a pretty good idea who did.

Would anyone like a small, striped throw rug for Christmas?

New Universalist Christian Blog

I’ll be hanging out here at I Herd the Werd in the future. I like its calm tone, I know I’m gonna love the theological message, and the spelling makes me smile.

Welcome to the blogosphere, friend.

Why I Love Scott Wells More Than Ever Today

So you know I got a Dell Inspiron 1420 a few months ago and HATED Windows Vista; found it totally unusable. I finally got a techie to replace it with Windows XP again which was costly but worth it.

It looks like there are serious problems. The computer feels a bit like a heart transplant patient — hopeful but not so sturdy. Very vulnerable and needing constant vigilance, like, “I love you, please don’t die.”

Yesterday Dell tried to send me some sort of instant software “update” (more like “screw up”) which interacted badly with my upgraded machine and caused the whole system to go kaflooey. I called tech support just now and they wash their hands of me because I changed the OS. I can understand that. I can also understand why I do not recommend Dell for anyone, ever. How is going back to Windows XP an “upgrade?”
I was a fool not to send that Inspiron back when I got it, but the church year was starting and I was in no position to leisurely shop around.

So I have a huge funeral tomorrow morning for the oldest member of our congregation and here’s why I’m not panicking – Scott Wells recommended to me that I switch to gmail a few months back, and it just so happens that the draft of the memorial service is safely in cyberspace as a Google Document, which means I can access it from this old computer or from my office.

This isn’t how I wanted to spend my day off, but I feel eminently better knowing that at least my most pressing professional obligation is safely in the ether where I can work on it later today, print it out, and not start working an ulcer. As far as everything else goes, I did a back-up on disk just the other day so I’m not feeling much pain except for a massive inconvenience and potential pain in the pocketbook again.

Love ya, butter lamb!! And for the rest of you, you can consider this a little commercial for gmail and Google.

Who Cares?

I’ve been invited to give my “spiritual journey” tomorrow evening somewhere that isn’t related to my congregation (highly secret location! I don’t know why I’m being so CIA about it), and I’m finishing up my notes right now. And I’m so uptight that it may be hours before I can fall asleep.

I’ve talked, written and spoken dozens of times about my personal religious journey. So why is my stomach in knots and my blood pressure up right now? Anyone who gives a darn could easily find several published sermons and articles all about my fascinating spiritual life. In fact, I’m embarrassed by how much ink has been spilled on the topic and I can’t help but wonder, “Who CARES?” Why does it matter that we share these stories?”

It does matter, as a matter of fact. And I know that. I just thought that after years of doing it, I’d feel less of a nervous wreck about it by now.

Granted, I am always riveted by other people’s personal narratives of faith (I’d personally retire the word “journey” if I could) but I think of droning on and on for 15-20 minutes tomorrow night and I imagine glazed eyes, quizzically raised eyebrows, muffled laughter. Really, why don’t I just stand up and strip down to my undies? At least it would be over faster.

When I share stories of my personal life with my congregation, there is the reciprocity of knowing a whole lot of their dirt. Maybe before I begin tomorrow I’ll say, “Here’s the deal. I’ll give this talk but only if you whisper one really crazy thing about yourself in my ear before we start.”

Or I’ll ask everyone to strip down to their undies so we can be equally vulnerable.

St. Gregory’s Would Like Ta Kindly Thank Ya

Hey gang,

Sara Miles wrote to say that she got our checks for $450 today and extends her gratitude for your awesomeness. From your checkbooks through my PayPal account right into carrots and potatoes and bread and spaghetti for hungry people in San Francisco.

Thanks again for participating. And happy anniversary a bit early to St. Greg’s Food Pantry.

Volver

Another reason to just love Pedro Almodovar.

His films always have at least one performance that just quietly slays me. In this picture, Penelope Cruz was really fantastic (how come she’s never nearly as strong or authoritative a presence in any of her American films?), but Blanca Portillo was incandescent.

I said to my sister that I loved this movie because none of the characters needed to end up with a man at the end to make it interesting or memorable. In fact, much more to my taste, the movie begins and ends with women taking care of one another. Pedro Almodovar trusts that to be interesting enough for his viewers, and I notice that the reviewers who hated the film just couldn’t stand how much he seems to love his female characters.

Penelope Cruz has the greatest hair and eye make-up EVER in this movie. It’s obvious that the costume designers padded her butt for some reason, but that doesn’t detract from her sublimity. I remember seeing her in “Belle Epoque” when she was just about twenty and she was an incredibly breathtaking unknown. Good for her for getting her great Sophia Loren/Anna Magnanani part at last.

PeaceBang Salutes The Tribe

I should not be awake right now watching this game, but … as much as I HATE and LOATHE the big chowderhead commentators on the Fox Channel, I am watching the game.

The Cleveland Indians were just obliterating my Sox in the fifth inning and I have to hand it to the Cleveland Tribe, you guys are the fiercest, most psycho fans of all time! I thought you were, like, nice farm-type people and everything! You are SO not! You are there 44,000 strong yelling your heads off and waving those white towels around and quite frankly I am afraid of you. You make Red Sox nation look like demure wussies sitting around drinking tea with our pinkies up.

When my boys (Manny, Papi and Youk) hit three homers in a row in the sixth, you THREW THE BALLS BACK! That is commendably psycho, I salute your loyalty. I am starting to totally love you.

How can I go to sleep with this intensity raging on the Fox Channel? Even the cat is running around like a maniac, her eyes the size of saucers. Cleveland, I tell ya! They got the power! They even have these little girl fans who look like extras from the cast of “The Crucible” standing behind the Sox dug-out chanting or something. I swear I’m not making this up. Go watch. There’s a bunch of pre-adolescent girls who look positively possessed behind the Sox cages whispering curses. Watch their lips. I don’t think they’re doing Hail Marys.

All I have to say is that I’m going to sleep now and EVEN THOUGH WE MIGHT LOSE tonight (Manny Del Carmen, I’d like to pull all your hair out even though I know that’s not Christian of me), we have Beckett pitching on Thursday. Don’t get cocky. And I hate your incredibly racist mascot, Chief Wahoo. You have a fabulous team; why not lose that hideous logo?

PeaceBang’s Sabbatical Road Trip: The Happy Church People Project, 2009

Hi friends,

I have a sabbatical planned for the winter/spring of 2009. There are so many things I would like to do on this sabbatical. I would like to go to Taize in France and sing with the beautiful folks there. I would like to visit Yale Divinity School’s Institute for Sacred Music and study liturgy. I would like to become more fluent in Spanish. I would like to live abroad for at least a month (England? Spain? Would you like me to be your guest minister for a month?). I would like to take intensive dance classes and finally fulfill my fantasy of hammering some of the dance moves I faked through so many musical theatre performances.
I would like to lie on the beach in Santorini. I would like to visit Africa. I have to do a directed study for my D.Min., which will take some study and writing time.

I know I can’t do all of these things or even most of them. But one thing I bet I CAN do with your help is to take a U.S. road trip and visit readers of this blog!! There’s a catch: you would have to welcome me to your home, and TAKE ME TO A CHURCH SERVICE and let me collect stories of why you and your people love church, and each other.

My theory is that there’s not enough celebration of the ministries in our midst that do work, that are joyous and appreciative and where people are making a genuine effort to love one another as He loved us (and UU’s, you go ahead and translate that however you like).

I call it PeaceBang’s Happy Church People Project. Would you like to participate? Start writing to me and I’ll put a big map on the wall and start pinning where you write from. If I can make a coherent road trip out of it, we’re totally ON.

Sweet The Sound Tonight At Eastern Nazarene

Got no plans for tonight, Boston-area people?

Come hear Sweet the Sound!

My director says we start at 8 but the web site says 7pm.
The REAL ACTUAL TIME is 8 pm.

See you there!