PeaceBang

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1. Someone sent me the Daily Coyote yesterday (apparently from Dooce), and I’m mesmerized. He’s so cute.

   Comment by Steph — December 1, 2007 #

2. Peacebang, I feel your pain. I’m a single gal in the midwest. All of my close friends are pretty much married (and the final ones are on their way there) and the ones who have been married for years are now having babies (I’ve got two pregnant friends and one who had a baby in May).

   Last night, I put up my Christmas tree. For the first time since I was five, I got a live one. My mom kind of broke the tradition when we were young in place of an artificial tree and it was never the same. I was married, then widowed, and we only lived on a small condo at the time so we had a fake 4′ tree, but I always swore that when we got our bigger house, I was going to start the tradition of buying live trees again. Of course, I never got that chance.

   My dad’s been working on my house, so last night I asked him to stick around and help me get a tree. Which he did, also following me on the quest to get the right stand for a live tree and acquire some new LED lights (if I am going to kill trees, I should at least save energy with the lights I put on it!).

   So now it sits in my living room. After my dad left, I frantically decorated my tree. I took a picture of it on my camera phone and emailed it to some people.

   Still, I thought, Why am I putting this big tree in my house when I’m the only one who will ever see it? I told myself I’d try to con some friends over just to view my tree.

   But, hey, you gotta do things sometimes if only to make yourself happy. And it’s enough that it makes me happy when I walk into the living room to be able to inhale that beautiful pine smell and look at the glittering LED lights…

   I guess I’m saying, sometimes you gotta appreciate the small stuff you do for yourself… Though, I know that’s hard because when it’s a Friday night and you’re feeling restless and lonely and there’s no one to hang around with. I’ve felt that on many-a-night. Especially during the holidays… It’s hard being single on the holidays…

   [Hey, Mars Girl. I decided not to put up my tree this year. It’s a lot of work to get it up and decorated, but the getting it down and putting all the decorations away can be just so depressing. Like you said, “What the hell did I do all of this for just for me?” Thanks for writing. - PB]

   Comment by Mars Girl — December 1, 2007 #

3. PB, I too can relate. I am 54 and single, and I know there’s no need to explain that other than to say that I have no regrets whatsoever over the ones that I did not marry earlier in my life. Honestly, I am happy and content 99% of the time — just enough family and work and other interactions with people — because I am basically a loner and proud of it. So my life is mostly full enough for my sensibilities. But there is that not-quite 1% of the time that I long for more… a mate perhaps, perhaps not. I am so ambivalent about that whole subject.
   For the first time in seven or eight years, last weekend I put up Christmas lights and a tree, and have so enjoyed them this week. Yes, it was a little lonely but not much. I admire your gregariousness — so you seem to me — and I really bet that, just like celebrities, the people around you think that you are just too popular and busy to want to just “hang out” with them. And so you, just like some celebrities, sit around or drive around with no one and no one to share with. It just may be that because of your sparkling and welcoming personality — I’m guessing here of course — that you may nearly always be the one to make the first call, in romance and friendship. I feel for you. [Dear Debbie, that’s one of the nicest comments anyone has ever left. Thank you. — PB]

   Comment by Debbie — December 1, 2007 #

4. Having been wondrously happily married for six years, then living alone for another six years (into the present), I have some experience with this.

   I don’t know if it’s the area where I live as well or just my social circle, but my social experiences are also very much planned ahead/structured/invitation only. I’m usually quite content with my life, but there are times when I long for some casual, unplanned companionship, for someone to just be present for some downtime with no pressure to deal with schedules and transportation to get somewhere on time, to look nice, to focus our attention on a performance or an experience. No one I know who lives reasonably close by is ever available on short notice, and no one wants to or thinks they have time to put me on the calendar for a block of time to do nothing in particular.

   It’s too bad that I live halfway across the country from you. I’d love to be able to call and invite you over for no special reason or event, just because I enjoy your company.

   [Thanks for saying that this has nothing to do with being content with our lives, because I feel the same way. Just as you put it, there are times when I long for some “casual, unplanned companionship.” Intimate relationships need unprogrammed time in order to flourish. Part of what’s challenging about ministry is that when ministers attend social events, we’re always “on,” listening for how people are doing, focusing on the successes or failures of the various programs or events, watching how everyone is getting along. It’s emotionally rich but does not fulfill the need for intimacy. In my private life I crave time with people who care about me that isn’t about a scheduled event. I’ve gotten to the point where I dread parties because I wind up lonelier at them than I do alone. Thanks for writing. Wish we could hang out. - PB]

   Comment by repressed librarian — December 1, 2007 #

5. ::: hug hug hug :::

   Comment by Satchel — December 1, 2007 #

6. I was single for a long time and felt much the same way as you describe when I lived in the East. I found that the Midwest and Northwest were much more drop in, hang out, places — although it may also have had to do with the time and the place. Still, in my hometown when I visited my parents through the years, people were often dropping by unannounced and just not staying if they were busy.

   My single sister lived in Boston for a while and moved back to Minnesota principally because she found it so hard to have the kind of casual friendships that a gregarious person like her wanted — she found Bostonians too busy. I wonder what it is that makes so many people “too busy” for a social life. Parents of young children I can understand, but the rest of us?

   Comment by Kate — December 2, 2007 #

7. “I have too much pride to call friends and say, ‘WHATCHYA DOING? CAN I PLEASE COME OVER?’ ”

   amen, sister, amen.

   I’ve been single for twenty-five years. My kids have grown-up lives. All of my girlfriends are married, very involved with their families - it’s tough when even asking if So-and-So can come out to play is an imposition.

   All of the previous commenters really struck a nerve with me, too… Marsgirl, especially. I LOVE this season, and I love all the familiar, beautiful things that only come out at Advent and Christmas. But… all that work - not of putting it up, necessarily, but definitely when it comes time to take it down - causes me to think twice about doing it. It is depressing when, three weeks later, it all goes back in the box and not another soul has seen it. Last year I had major surgery around this time, combined with several huge personal losses and a major depression. I did decorate a bit, but did not put up a tree. My son argued with me that I had to have a tree… but, saturated in grief, it was just too hard. In the end, I was glad that I didn’t have to take down a tree, and it simplified things tremendously. But that felt sad, too… I don’t know what I’ll do this year.

   I meant for this to be a brief, “amen” post… but the comments got to me. Thanks for letting me vent. [Thanks for writing, hon.]

   Comment by KQ — December 2, 2007 #

8. Cheer up PB! You can hang w/ us at the crazy-Eliot crib any time…
   [give me your address and I’ll put it in my GPS, bay-bee!]

   Comment by Adam Tierney-Eliot — December 2, 2007 #

9. PB, you have hit upon the Peeve of the Single CLERGY girl life! In case no one ever told you, it REALLY IS different for us clergy girls!

   I was a single girl in DC in the beginning of my ministry, and I know exactly how trying it is to ‘make your own fun’. I remember sitting around my apartment after work on Sunday, “reading the paper”, being tired-but-wired, and just wishing I had someone to play with. I also used to go to the bookstores, drink lattes, and attempt to look interesting. It seemed like everything closed early! I hated Sunday evenings. And it’s not exactly like you can look normal going ice-skating or mall-trolling alone. [I go mall-trolling alone, uh-oh, does that look weird?]

   I did learn the first year (one day when I was sitting around crying because there was no one to share a tree with me like in the action-packed dorms of Seminary) to do Christmas however the heck I wanted to. I (of course, me) invited (aka, guilted, kidnapped, and ordered) my friends over for midnight drinks on Christmas Eve. You know, after the late service when you are still wired. We drank Hot Sultry Zoes and I insisted they share some holiday spirit with me.

   I don’t know if there’s any cure for what ails the single clergy girl, since it’s such a hard field in which to make ‘normal friends’. Loneliness sucks, and I know how you feel since I’ve been there myself. Kudos to you for knowing enough of yourself, though, to know that you are a city extrovert!

   Ah, must go cook now and clear my head. You hit such a nerve there that my brain hurts!!

   [I think you need to send me some cocktail recipes, girl! -PB]

   Comment by Rev Bee — December 2, 2007 #

10. PS- Perhaps this might not be the most politically correct and healthy way to deal with loneliness, but there were certainly days I made myself a fabulous cocktail (Zoes, martinis, margaritas) and curled up with my idea of a feel good movie: Love Actually have been my favorite for the past few years. It is both funny AND sad, and in my single days, I was madly in love with the artist who suffered from unrequited love.

    (I married a guy who is pretty much like that artist, funny and super-shy and sweet and scattered, so I won!)

    Comment by Rev Bee — December 2, 2007 #

11. Amen to you all, and multiple amens to Rev Bee. I don’t live alone now, but I did for the first two loooong years of my settled ministry. Sunday afternoons were the loneliest hours of the week: tired but still buzzing from the morning, and wanting nothing more than to come home and have someone make me a sandwich and listen to my stories, maybe rub my feet. It took a *lot* of experimentation to figure out that the way through that weekly void without sinking into depression was to: catch up on work in my office to get through the “witching hour” of 1 or 2 p.m.; come home to eat and have a tipple of bourbon; and then grab my week’s worth of “NPR’s most emailed stories” podcasts on the iPod and suit up for a very long, rambling walk through the dusk.

    Even partnered & living with someone now, that Sabbath walk (…and, from time to time, the tipple of bourbon) has become sacrosanct. The grace in the story is that in seeking to fill time, I became filled by the ritual I created.

    Still, I know how lonely it is for my single sisters in the ministry, and you’re in my heart. I could be single again someday, as could any of us who are partnered or married, and it’s good to remember one another.

    [This is great. I love your rituals. Right now my own ritual is to take a lovely nap in the afternoon with Ermengarde tucked in the crook of my arm. Especially in the winter, this is such a warm comfort. - PB]

    Comment by Rev E — December 2, 2007 #

12. I promise not to tell you that married people get lonely too, but I will tell you that what I dislike about being partnered with children is that I rarely see my friends. It feels like with life so busy with church and children’s activities, school, committees, etc., that I have very little time, and I feel guilty if I’m not spending that time with my family. I adore them all, but sometimes really, REALLY miss my friends. I haven’t seen the person I think of as my best friend in a year, and we live in the same town. That’s pathetic.

    What I liked best about being single (which was many, many years ago) was being able to do things spontainiously with my friends. With a partner, and particularly with children, I’m never at loss for something to do, but I miss calling my friends and saying- hey, want to catch a movie? Probably more a kid issue than a partnered one, but it feels sort of tied in together : )

    Comment by marcia — December 3, 2007 #

13. Hmm … I wonder how many of us, on both sides of the road, are letting pride/embarrassment *mistakenly* get between us.

    I am a mama. Of four. Ages 2.5 - 11. Even though they’re well-behaved (well, not the 2 1/2 year old. She’s two and a half, you see), I am loathe to infringe upon my single friend’s lives. Just today, we were invited to go to lunch. “Thanks, but I’m afraid I’d wind up apologizing to you.” Even on a good day, they’re kids, and they take a certain amount of cutting up their enchiladas and “don’t spill your drink” and so on.

    Not being Victorian times, my children do not know the concept of being only seen and not heard. We try to limit their involvement, but they like my friends, too, and want to talk to them, too.

    So … I don’t want to impose upon them, except for the rare time when it’s just me.

    Hmm.

    Comment by Lizard Eater — December 3, 2007 #

14. PB, for what it’s worth, I’m married and I feel this way sometimes, too.

    Comment by Mrs. M — December 3, 2007 #

15. And one more amen right back to Rev. E. - (don’t worry, I’ll send PB some good recipes!)- in my new parish (a cute and fab place in Connecticut), I find that I am also using my early-Sundays as catch-up in the office time (till 1 or 2), and when I get home, I like to sit on my couch, make a drink, and crash! I guess some habits (even those born of loneliness) die hard. I still MISS the washington Post.

    Comment by Rev Bee — December 3, 2007 #

16. I think loneliness is epidemic in our society. Yet think of the “Senior Center”, which is set up to counteract loneliness. Some will take advantage of it; some will not. My grandmother always said- “I don’t like being around old people”. She was in her 80’s and 90’s and probably could have had a lot of fun with some of the activities and transportation to events.

    What you make me think of is a “community center” is needed for folks who want to connect- spontaneously. We do this via church at our women’s group, holiday party, volunteering in various areas. But the minister can’t really take advantage of that, as you mention.

    If you are the mother of a small child, there are “mom’s groups” in many communities. If you have a school age child, you can get into Scouting or PTA, or other volunteer activities.

    I think that is why on-line communities attract so many people.

    In my younger days, it was nothing to clean the house, make a meal for 30 people and host a party on Fri or Sat night. Now that seems overwhelming. The house isn’t clean, there is no time to shop and cook, and I have other things I’d rather do. Plus, when the time comes, will I feel like socializing? I didn’t have that issue before.

    I think churches can help with this issue, but clearly the minister won’t get what they need in the process.

    If it helps, your ministry and communication through your blogs are a great help to many many folks. Wishing you the blessings of a peaceful and calm season and many friendly occasions to fill your social needs. [Thanks, C-Mom. -PB]

    Comment by cincinnati mom — December 3, 2007 #

17. Do ministers ever get together to unwind on Sunday afternoons? [Good question. I’d like to, but I make zzz’s into my pillow in the afternoon and get back to work by the evening. Bad idea, of course, but Monday comes too soon. -PB]

    Comment by chutney — December 3, 2007 #

18. Yes, I have had that kind of Friday night.

    Comment by D.Williams — December 4, 2007 #

19. I’ve hit upon a nice arrangement that suits my independence and busy-ness and need for solitude and privacy. My “partner” agreed to live next door. Literally. We come and go pretty much at will between the two residences. It’s great for a spontaneous dinner, movie night, person to vent to, a quick cuddle. It’s excellent when I want to hang out with friends/family, pursue my own interests, stay up half the night baking cookies, or rearrange the furniture and don’t have to consult/coordinate with someone else unless I want to. It is not so good economically (2 households when there could be one, freeing up housing for someone else). But I am the envy of many, who confirm that I have “the perfect arrangement.”

    I mentioned this to an undergrad friend recently, and she confirmed that this is in vogue on campus: monogamous dating, she called it, where one’s life is not monopolized by the relationship but there is exclusivity.

    In spite of my doubts (am I afraid of commitment? am I unwilling to make compromises to work things out?), I am totally happy with this arrangement. So this is in response to some of the previous posts - I’m trying to have it both ways: the single life without the Friday/Saturday night blaaaahs.

    Comment by single and happy — December 5, 2007 #

20. single and happy’s comment reminds me of an article I recently read about Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton: they live similarly (and they even have children together, so I’m not sure how they work that out). They live in separate houses connected by a single corridor. They seem to like it.

    Comment by h sofia — December 5, 2007 #

21. I thought it was just me! Believe me its not just the Northwest, its like that in az too!

    Comment by leigh — January 28, 2008 #

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