Funeral Arrangements

May 16, 2008 on 8:53 pm | In Mind of the Minister, PeaceBanging Around | 14 Comments

Since I’m getting on a plane on Sunday, I decided to update my funeral arrangements and obituary for the first time since 2006. I changed a few hymns, provided more phone numbers, and added a few items for my obit.

I made it explicit that SweetieBang has care of my four-legged children and should preside over distribution of my possessions. Rev. Perpetua is entrusted to be Major Domo for a memorial service, with a team of minister buds I hope would help her in any way she needed. I find that I still want to be buried in white pajamas with a cotton quilt tucked around me, in a pine box (a romantic notion — I know by law I’ll probably have to be put in a stupid vault). I would like it if friends would put sprigs of fresh rosemary and lavender on top of the casket or in there with me. I don’t want to be embalmed if there’s any way to avoid it — I left instructions to my friend Bob the undertaker to “keep me on ice, if need be!”

I chose music and wrote out all the details of my biography so no one will have to compile all that nonsense on my behalf. I left SweetieBang a big passel of emergency numbers since he would have NO IDEA where to start if I perished.

This is a really satisfying exercise. Have you done it? It’s not legally binding or anything, but it’s not for that purpose anyway. It’s about not leaving people you love to try to figure out what the heck to do to dispose of your remains (if there’s any of you left to dispose of) or to discern how you would like to be memorialized when they’re blind-sided by grief and loss. So seriously, do it. For them.

14 Comments

  1. Wood coffin? Ice? Do you do know I have “PeaceBang is Daid” — a la Jud Fry — running through my haid, er, head.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6kEi0cxfiU

    Comment by Scott Wells — May 16, 2008 #

  2. A college friend of mine wants to be buried stark naked with a seed in his hand. I go back and forth on that one.

    I’m leaning toward creation and getting scattered into the Potomac. But if I weren’t going to get cremated, your idea about the pajamas and quilt does sound appealing.

    CC
    who wants to be cremated or embalmed partially because she saw that CSI where they thought the guy was dead and he wasn’t really.

    Comment by Chalicechick — May 17, 2008 #

  3. Chalice Chick, I don’t know if you intended it, but I love “I’m leaning toward creation…” A good way to lean, even if you intend cremation.

    PB, I’m honored to be your selection to preside over the memorial. But for both our sakes, make it through this trip alive. May is a lousy time to have to do an unexpected and highly emotional service. I’m going to get to praying now.

    Comment by Rev. Perpetua — May 17, 2008 #

  4. My siblings and I wrote my mother’s obit a month before her death (a few months ago); and after the funeral my aunt asked me how much of the arrangements my mother had made herself. She was surprised to find the answer was none – as they had discussed this in length, and my mother encouraged my aunt to make hers.
    folks also need to make a will (legal is best) and health care power of attorney arrangements.
    and they need to do this even if they are in their 20s and in the best of health.

    Comment by Steven R — May 17, 2008 #

  5. Peacebang, don’t forget that you also need a living will or advanced directive. Five Wishes is valid in 40 states.

    http://www.agingwithdignity.org/5wishes.html

    Comment by revtoots — May 17, 2008 #

  6. In answer to your question, I have done pieces of the planning, and I too found it satisfying. My wife thought I was being morbid beyond belief. What I especially enjoyed was completing a fill-in-the-blank obituary, which my wife can finish off with the latest details (in case I forget to update this after we have another child or something). The important stuff is there, written nicely. I found it the most satisfying activity of all because I know how my wife really does detest writing, especially when emotional. It made me feel like I was able to really care for her in a way that might not have meaning for her now, but that may, at some time.

    I should probably do some more.

    Comment by SMG — May 17, 2008 #

  7. I happen to know that Rev. P already has a very busy day scheduled tomorrow, so have a safe flight.

    Comment by fausto — May 17, 2008 #

  8. Yes, you totally need to have a will… When my husband died at the age of 32, I was thrust into a confusing position of having to make major choices about his funeral and what to do with his body because he never told me… We should have had this discussion and we never did. We were young, though, and only married 20 months when he died, so maybe we would have gotten around to that conversation. Of course, this only emphasizes further the importance of this discussion because we were young, blindsided by life’s tragedy….

    Needless to say, I think I did okay by him… Just not by his family. Oh well. I think what I did–had him cremated and spread his ashes atop Mt. Elbert in Colorado (highest peak in his home state)–was what he would have wanted. But I’ll never know for sure, and sometimes stuff like that can really eat you up because it caused such dissention from the rest of his family (you wouldn’t believe how many times I was told, “Well, you only knew him for 3 years and we knew him his whole life.” or “You are too young to make these decisions.”)

    Yesterday, I decided that I want Emily Dickenson’s poem called Death read at my funeral…

    [We do the best we can in terrible circumstances, my dear. Thanks for writing. - PB]

    Comment by Mars Girl — May 19, 2008 #

  9. I make these kinds of discussions part of my pre-wedding meetings with a couple – and it isn’t distasteful at all!

    There is a funeral director in our congregation and we’ve had a great time holding pre-planning meetings. Nice restaurant, good wine, lots of laughter and good friends. Much easier to talk about things in a non-threatening setting.

    I also work with Hospice and the advanced directive discussion fits in pre-wedding also.

    A joyous life lived deserves the same at the end – careful planning, clear directives, and people who love you to carry out your wishes.

    Comment by Rev. Steelman — May 19, 2008 #

  10. Rev. Perpetua failed to mention that her professional fees for memorial services has recently increased. While it has not happended very often, The $400.00 fee can be prepaid via check, Mastercard, Visa or Discover. [How about laundry quarters? ;-) ]

    Comment by Perpetua's Administrator — May 20, 2008 #

  11. I WANNA SING!!! Let me know what song I can do so that I can start learning it now! :-)

    Comment by Michael — May 27, 2008 #

  12. You are spot on, PB. For two years now, I have led a five-session workshop for my congregation to discuss end-of-life issues. We have an attorney visit and also a doctor (to talk about death from a medical perspective).

    They write their own obituaries and plan their own memorial services, and hopefully I get a copy of their plans to stash away in a safe place. We read poetry and do some diad and triad conversations based on a class I took in seminary on death and dying. I had eighteen people the first year and fifteen the second year — obviously there is a hunger for this in my congregation, and probably in all congregations, all denominations.

    I think this is the business of the church, to create a safe place for the conversation and for the documents. I plan to offer a workshop on how to do this at my UUMA Chapter next year, and am considering offering it at GA as well.

    Comment by Judy Welles — May 27, 2008 #

  13. I have actually written my funeral plans and am working on the liturgy currently. I am glad that I’m not the only nutter out there. : )

    Comment by Cody — May 27, 2008 #

  14. great post!

    Comment by Aaron Sawyer — June 4, 2008 #

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