PeaceBang
The manic mind of the minister -- Auntie Mame Meets Cotton Mather. Blogging about Unitarian Universalism, UU Christian spiritual practice, occasional cultural and political ravings, and the inner life of ministry. PeaceBang is the alter ego of a small town pastor serving an historic New England Unitarian Universalist congregation.
The Will Vs the Soul: Summer of Prayer
August 20, 2008 on 11:32 pm | In Inspirations, Mind of the Minister, Spiritual Practice, Theological Reflection |I had a huge to-do list for the summer, and I didn’t meet any of my big goals.
I didn’t write a book.
I didn’t start my dissertation.
I didn’t even get a book proposal finished. Hell, I didn’t start it.
I didn’t lose another ten pounds.
I didn’t become a great salsa dancer.
I didn’t read the books in my pile (but I read a different pile).
What I did do this summer was work really hard issues in therapy (and I don’t mind telling you that), adjust to having a very active puppy in my life, learn how to grill steak, go out salsa dancing twice, attend my first Zumba class on a personal dare, do a little bit of gardening, catch up with friends who had been neglected during my SweetieBang period, see a slew of films, watch Red Sox games, clean and organize my study (yes, praise the Lord I got THAT done), sleep a LOT, play outside, go to the beach and friends’ pools a few times, and feel my feelings — which actually takes a lot more energy than I have ever realized.
I continued to attend Weight Watchers meetings, held on tight and not easily to a 25-lb. weight loss, avoided retail therapy in favor of saving money for sabbatical travel, and blogged.
As the summer winds down, I give up on my big goals. I’m not going to achieve them. My will is strong but in this case, my soul had another agenda and its needs overruled those of my will and my ego. I don’t like it. I don’t like being out of control this way. I am generally a disciplined and ambitious person and when I set a goal, I accomplish it.
My soul, however, doesn’t care what my ego desires. It had a lot to communicate to me this summer, and it made me listen. There were entire weeks when I required almost absolute solitude. There were days I did nothing but sleep, listen, record what the insights I received in my journal, fix food for myself and the four-leggeds, let the dog out to pee and poop, and return to silent listening and journaling. I would make plans to DO something and find myself flapping helplessly around the house, absolutely unable to get myself together to accomplish whatever it is I had set myself to do.
This was definitely not my Summer of Love. It was, I suppose, my Summer of Prayer in some way. It was my Summer of Feeling, attending to my inner life after a prolonged period of trying very hard to figure out other people and to understand failed or profoundly disappointing relationships. It was a time to tiptoe closer to my essence than I have ever crept before, to genuinely question how much authentic regard I have — and have been encouraged to have — for that essence — and to ask if at the age of 42, I finally accept and embrace it.
I do.
I do, and I had no idea how far I have traveled emotionally and spiritually in order to be able to say that. This isn’t about self-esteem. It is about something far deeper: a soul giving itself permission to be at home in the world. This permission comes not from accomplishments or even from the praise, affirmation or love one receives from others. It is an existential resolution; a laying down of arms against oneself not out of self-esteem but out of justice and compassion.
The psychic and spiritual energy it took to finally and honestly acquaint myself with the truth of my essence, to deem it acceptable, and to sever relations with the Inner Critic who has dominated my inner life for most of my life, was tremendous. But it had to be done. For someone to make it her life’s work to preach the everlasting love of God and the inherent worth and dignity of every person to the world, and then fail to confront, challenge and exorcise a toxic Inner Critic who rules her spiritual life is one of the saddest and most common hypocrisies there is. I did not enjoy this work. For a woman of my flamboyant temperament, it is actually easier to indulge in energetic self-flagellation than to abide with the complexities of life without such distracting dramatics.
I am quietly grateful. First and foremost to my friends, for holding up the compassionate mirror for me all these years, and for helping to me to experience and know that being flawed and human is not something that deserves punishment, but rather understanding and love. I am grateful for the insights of Jungian depth psychology and for the teachings of Universalist and Unitarian Christianity, which brought me from intellectual curiosity about amazing grace to a direct experience of it. I am grateful for all the people and institutions that make personal spiritual growth a possibility for me, for the work of ministry that makes it a priority.
And I am grateful to you, dear readers, for participating in this fascinating 21st century experiment with me: to make private spiritual experience public almost as it is happening (rather than to share it years later as a memoir), to affirm the struggle we all share in real time, and to thereby strengthen and celebrate the interdependent web within which we are bound as a moment-by-moment, blessed phenomenon.
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And thank you for letting us be here. It is fascinating.
Comment by Patrick McLaughlin — August 21, 2008 #
Yeah, Thanks!
Comment by Maia — August 21, 2008 #
What an amazing post.
Comment by Penny R — August 21, 2008 #
I’m speechless. PB, this is amazing. Thank you for sharing.
Comment by Miss Conduct — August 21, 2008 #
as a seminary student about to take ordination exams and then begin her final year of seminary, i am so grateful for what you share here. thank you for addressing the difficult questions of faith and life, for challenging your readers (and for making them laugh!), and for speaking the truth of God’s love and grace.
Comment by kmg — August 21, 2008 #
I love that turn of phrase, “the struggle we all share in real time.” Me, I’m trying to remember three simple lessons. 1) Breathe out as well as in. 2) Chew before you swallow. 3) “Be quick, but never hurry” (this last from legendary basketball coach John Wooden. Oh, and there’s a related maxim from the world of sailing, which I’m starting to like even better: “Go small, go simple, go now.”)
Omigosh it’s like turning on a spigot. “Best is the nemesis of Good.” Or the two bits of advice from my mother I should have ignored: Clean your Plate and Don’t Talk to Strangers. See? I’m just full of conventional wisdom. Do you suppose that’s why I’m always saying “you know they say….”
Comment by The Eclectic Cleric — August 21, 2008 #
Thank you (deeply).
Comment by Cathy — August 21, 2008 #
It’s great you honored what you did do. While not outwardly as visible, the work you did will probably have a lot more impact on your life than the original list would have done.
Good for you!
Comment by cincinnati mom — August 21, 2008 #
According to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “The Answer to the Great Question of Life, the Universe and Everything” is…..42.
I turned 42 earlier this year, too, and it seems to me you’ve reached a greater, deeper understanding of yourself than I am willing to allow myself to discover. “The truth of my essence,” you wrote. How? How does one discover such thing? How do we know it is our essence and not our ego saying this is your essence?
Comment by Janeybird — August 21, 2008 #
Great question, Janeybird. Hard to answer. I still don’t get what my essence is in a really complete way — I don’t know that that’s possible. Without getting too personal, let me just say that for me, getting a glimpse of my true essence could only happen through crisis; specifically the dissolution of some relationships I never imagined could or would ever dissolve for any reason. The ego gets fed by outward affirmation and inward pride. The essence doesn’t get fed. It simply is. It is the ’still small voice’ that doesn’t change or react no matter what happens externally. I had always been too busy managing other’s expectations of me and my own expectations of myself to really notice or know it before. It has nothing to do with personality. It isn’t really connected at all with experience, either, or memory, or emotion. I feel it as my core, as “the face I had before I was born.” Sorry to be so cryptic. It’s not really clear to me yet, either.
Comment by PeaceBang — August 21, 2008 #
Amazing! Congratulations for a summer well used.
And you organized your study, too! That’s one of my dreams… One of those that were not realized this summer nor any time soon, I’m afraid.
Comment by Ansku — August 21, 2008 #
Thank you for sharing this. It’s beautifully said, very true, AND…it makes me feel much better about MY summer and its unfinished lists.
Comment by Bobbie — August 21, 2008 #
What a blessing! Thank you for the beautiful post. And congratulations on organizing the study and keeping off the weight. Either one of those would have been a summer’s project for many folks.
Comment by Elz — August 22, 2008 #
Oh, PeaceBang, thanks for sharing! Where did the summer go? I’m already sending out “save the date” mailings for fall activities at the church and so, obviously, summer is over and so is my chance to do the 10 things I swore I’d get done before the end of August. And yet… I did do many of the “slow time” things that you mentioned. How nice to have them lifted up into the sacred by your post.
Comment by Nelle Stanton — August 22, 2008 #
Sometimes time off is about tasks and sometimes it’s just about being. A few years back after a particularly difficult church year I stayed with friends for a month and devoted my reading entirely to the short stories and novels of P.G. Wodehouse. It seems that your summer was more spiritual though, gathering all the pieces togther, and for that be grateful. After all, isn’t living the spiritual life what ministry is all about?
Comment by Larry Smith — August 22, 2008 #
I had a summer very similar to yours. I had a big to-do list that never got finished, but you know what? I’m OK with it. I spent a lot of the summer doing what I call “Head Work”, working on issues that I had been having for a while. And I am a better person for it.
Sometimes those are just the best summers of all–the summers of just being.
Comment by Kitten — August 22, 2008 #
Some days, you’re sitting reading blogs because the muse isn’t coming and you’re lamenting the fact that the whole freaking summer has slipped past and you didn’t do what you hoped and even though today isn’t over yet you just know this “one day at a time” stuff doesn’t mean THIS day is THE day and nothing will be changing before sunrise…. and then you read a blog that reminds you it’s really okay to just live your life sometimes. Just to be.
Thank you, Very Rev PB, for your wonderful insights. Liz
Comment by Liz — August 23, 2008 #
Yes, thanks for lifting this up because this is a lot of how my summer was too. There were a few crucial tasks that absolutely can’t be left as half-done as they are currently, so those I will be cramming into the next two weeks. But I needed to be reminded of what I *did* do.
Comment by SMG — August 23, 2008 #
You’ve said it much more deeply than I can, but summer is just oppressive in that there’s so much expectation (grill! Bathing suit! camp! garden! etc.) and so little structure and so much dang heat.
Here’s to fall!!
Comment by madgebaby — August 24, 2008 #