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Graveside Ceremony

A friend who will be presiding over her first graveside ceremony asked me for a copy of my commital service. I was happy to share a couple of versions of what I typically say at the graveside, but after I attached the files and sent them to her, the Worship and Liturgy professor in me felt compelled to pass along a few tips. I told my friend that she could smack me around if she knew all that already — but in my experience, seminaries do NOT teach these things and ministers are left all alone in the world to figure them out themselves — usually after the fact and when they are reviewing a job poorly done, through no fault of their own. And so, for those who might benefit from my mistakes and my subsequent positive experiences presiding over commitals…

The Rev. Professor PeaceBang’s Guidance on Graveside Ceremonies

1. Drive to the cemetery with the undertaker in the hearse. It’s respectful, no one else will want to, and I think it shows great pastoral commitment. You can relax and look at your words and prepare. Often the undertaker will have great community tidbits to regale you along the way.

2. When you arrive at the site, stand back for a moment and then discreetly ask the undertaker which direction the head of the casket is. Stand there, as close to the casket as you can get. Wait a few moments for everyone to gather around. I guarantee you that everyone will stand a mile away because no one likes to be that close to death. Do your silent, smiling pastoral presence thing until they get nearby, then say, “Please come in closer. Let’s get nice and close to each other.”

3. Say your words, and take your time with them. Take a good, long moment of silence after your prayer, or wherever it feels appropriate.

4. When you are done, close your book, then if your physical position allows it and you feel moved to do so, place your hand for a brief moment of silent blessing on the casket. Close your eyes and pray silently. This gives people a moment to transition. When you are done, step back from the grave. The undertaker will step forward and say “This concludes our services, bla bla bla.” This is a nice time to go to the widow/widower/next of kin and put a hand on their shoulder. After you have done that, step discreetly away and let people mill around as they need to. They will need to. Obviously, if someone’s gripping your paw, you’ll stay with them. If I feel like I can’t hold back tears at this point, I will get out my hankie and let them flow. However, under no circumstances do I allow myself to cry openly during the service. If I get choked up (and I often do), I stop until I regain control of my voice. If a few tears leak out, I ignore them.

5. It is perfectly acceptable for you to bid your farewells to people who are still there and get back in the hearse for the ride back to church, or to get a ride from someone else. It is up to you whether or not to go back to the house. If there is a collation at church, you should make an appearance.

This is a ceremony for which I think we have to have absolutely every move and every moment under total control, or at least look like we do! I always say to my students, “No cute muff-ups allowed at the graveside. Anywhere else, okay. Not there. Presiding over the graveside ceremony is the most priestly of functions and we must be impeccable.”

P.S. Shine your shoes!!

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“When In Doubt, Pray. When In Prayer, Have an Existential Crisis.”

Oh for heaven’s sake, what new nonsense is this?

when in prayer doubt

Yet again the Unitarian Universalists are choosing to market themselves as the “faith” for those who are totally ambivalent about whether or not intelligent people should have any faith, and playing the old “we’re not led by creed or doctrine” bit, which is getting SO TIRED. How many 21st century religious individuals mindlessly obey their religious tradition’s doctrines in the first place? Hello, post-modernist angst about the validity of religious institutions and broad eclecticism in personal spiritual practice: not just for unchurched seekers anymore! WHEN will the UUA stop marketing trumpeting unique aspects of our tradition that are incredibly un-unique?

It’s the old definition-by-negation business again, and it assumes that we have no doctrinal, dogmatic attitudes or creedal practices or individuals among us, which of COURSE we do. Just look at how we treat the precious Seven Principles, which have been lifted to quasi-creedal status by many serious UUs (and maybe that’s not such a bad thing). Ech. More terminal uniqueness. Quippy, cutesy crap. Clever wordplay instead of a warm and loving invitation to find us and worship with us.

It would be so much less offensive if Unitarian Universalists weren’t notoriously uncomfortable with the mere notion of prayer and famous for using a long, comma-separated series of euphemisms to introduce That Portion of the Sunday Service During Which We Come Into the Place of Honesty, Or Join Our Spirits In Openness and Compassion, Or Meditate, Or Muse Or Think Good Thoughts Or Even Perhaps Join In (The Spirit Of) Prayer (Because You Musn’t Say ‘Let Us Pray’ For Fear Of Being Run Out Of Town After Coffee Hour, That Is, If You Make It Alive To Coffee Hour).

I’m sorry I used the word “crap” to describe this ad; that’s strong condemnation. But I’m not editing it out. I’m sick and bloody tired of insulting Baptists, Methodists, Muslims, Episcopalians, Catholics, Presbyterians, Mennonites, Orthodox Jews and others whose religious traditions are creedal and doctrinal and who often manage, nevertheless, to have wonderful ministries, whose communities are welcoming and even rebelliously so (how many of you know of renegade Catholic, Episcopal, Presby or Lutheran individuals or parishes that openly welcome and advocate for the g/b/l/t community, for example? I thought so…), and whose life together is a thing of beauty that draws more seekers to find, and stay with them, every year. Those doctrinal, creedal congregations are not necessarily any more dysfunctional or even close-minded than our own non-creedal, non-doctrinal ones. We must stop advertising these aspects of our tradition as if they confer upon us some magical ability to love, to minister, and to support an individual or a family’s search for truth and meaning. They do not.

“When in doubt, pray??” How about,

“All our lives we are in need, and others are in need of us.”*
Join a Unitarian Universalist congregation near you for Sunday worship. We are waiting to welcome you, and to include you in our circle of caring.

“The Unitarian Universalists welcome you to worship with us, and to join in the great work of loving the world.”

“Unitarian Universalism: The search for truth in the spirit of freedom. Don’t walk the path alone: come for Sunday morning worship and stay for community.”

I mean, these aren’t genius or anything, but they took me fifteen seconds to think up and I’m not getting paid for them, if you know what I’m saying.

The best advertising for our tradition, or any tradition, is for our congregations to be healthy communities full of individuals who have a strong sense of ministry and are guided by an ethic of love and covenantal relationship. They should make the news for doing good works in the community, and when people walk through their doors (as they will if they are guided there by spiritual need, not prompted by an ad in Time magazine), they should encounter powerful worship services, quality religious education, well-organized, inclusive pastoral and prophetic ministries, and people with authentic welcome on their lips and in their hearts.

And when they are invited to pray, it should be in the spirit of hope and faith, because why the HELL would anyone who understands the first thing about the Unitarian or the Universalist traditions suggest that prayer and doubt are a wise pairing in the search for truth and meaning?

All right. Rant over. I have a sermon to finish. I’ll leave the rest of the rant or the BangBack to you, my friends.

* quote by George Odell

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Training Pastoral Caregivers

When I set out to train a group of lay pastoral caregivers this fall, I wanted to create my own model since I had never seen one that I could entirely go for, even though I had attended numerous workshops on the subject.

Although I read dozens of books on pastoral care. I found these two books to be most helpful in framing my sessions:

A Pastor in Every Pew: Equipping Laity for Pastoral Care by Leroy Howe
and
The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning To Listen Can Improve Relationships by Michael P. Nichols, PhD

I just thought I’d let you know.