1. I think there should be a Chanukah drinking game involving Bernie Madoff where you get to curse his name and then drink. Something reminiscent of the Purim noise-making when Haman’s name is mentioned or fun stuff you get to do when the plagues are enumerated at the Passover seder.
Ach. That shyster should rot in the Hell I don’t believe exists.
2. Someone at church who shares my love of Yiddish called me a “tummler” today. Here, look it up. The world needs more Yiddish. I am taking it as a compliment (especially from him). We had a fun service and I gave a sermon called “Outrageous Stories From Twelve Years in Parish Ministry.” The recording will not be made public, because although I used no names, changed a few pertinent details and was intentionally vague about what happened where, I did tell some true and truly outrageous stories.
3. What is this “restless leg syndrome?” Here’s why I ask: I am a very light sleeper who has a very difficult time getting a good night’s sleep if anyone else is in the bed. This has created some friction in relationships, as in, I refuse to marry anyone who won’t eventually agree to the idea of separate bedrooms. So I’m thinking maybe I can use this syndrome as an excuse. Who wants to spend the rest of their life sleeping next to someone who kicks them all night long? “I do love you, sweetheart. It’s just that I have Restless Leg Syndrome. That’s why I want you to move into the bedroom across the hall. Don’t take it personally. It’s just for sleeping.”
4. Can someone explain to me why my cat and my dog both clamber on top of me in order to smell my breath very carefully whenever I’m sick? They’re like little nurses with really serious boundary issues: I’ll be sound asleep, maybe running a little fever, and I wake up with this enormous pair of worried cat or dog eyes staring at me and a canine or feline snout practically in my mouth as the animal worriedly sniffs for… for what? What are they doing? Do they go out into the hallway afterward and consult?
Did I already write about this? Well, I’m still confused about it, that’s why.
But check this out. I’m not surprised.
5. I’m turning 43 in a few weeks. I can’t muster any interest in this birthday because 43 strikes me as the most boring possible age to be. I’ll be in Texas at the time and I’ll probably even forget about it. I won’t even know when it’s January 14th. Forty-three? That’s so uninteresting I’ll probably just start saying that I’m “Forty-Whatever.” Like I used to be “Thirty-Something,” now I’m “Forty-Whatever.”
6. Guess what? My blood pressure has gone down to totally healthy levels. I think I have a certain beagle and tabby cat to thank for that, so I feel that I can medically prescribe adopting a dog to all of you. I am a big believer that more animals = higher cuteness+hilarity factor+ walks every day = lower blood pressure. See? I’m right!
But did I tell you? After having lost 25 lbs. on Weight Watchers last year, I’m now on the Bread, Cheese, Christmas cookies and Fried Party Food diet. It’s pretty rigorous but not as much as the Pizza, Panera and Salty Snack Foods diet I was following this fall. That really took some discipline. So anyway, if you attend Weight Watchers meetings in Amarillo, Texas, we can go out for (decaf, low-fat milk) coffee afterward.
7. I would have to say that the second best thing to being in a great romance yourself is to watch your friends fall in love with someone new. YAY.
8. After shopping extensively for a tricked-out Verizon-compatible phone that would let me write and retrieve e-mail, web surf, show me how to get where I’m going, and do my nails for me, I took the advice of my dear friend Huntington Lyman III (his real name) and got an iTouch instead. Because I have had an epiphany: I hate the phone. As Hunt said, “I don’t need to be more tethered to the phone.” So now I can leave the phone at home and have music, photos and the internet in my pocket, and if there’s no WiFi around, I can’t even access the internet. Technology is beautiful.